Unless you live way out in the woods like me, tending to barrels of sour mash whiskey in 55-gallon drums, you’ve probably noticed a lot of talk about this trashed economy, and various health care issues.

I was out jogging the other day (running from G-men) when a brilliant solution presented itself, and let me tell you; this is not a common occurrence. Plus, I usually try to solve things on the toilet, but I got to thinking – Hey! Why not kill two birds with one stone? Why not let one problem solve the other? Why not just start running down this shallow creek, where the hounds will lose my scent?

So you can see how I’ve become very adept at multi-tasking, which by nature is just addressing different issues at the same time, akin to killing a whole flock of birds, but we’ll stick with the economy and health care, because now my head hurts.

Despite this narrative babbling, it’s really quite simple: Both of these monsters suck money out of us like calves draining their mother’s udder; therefore, it makes total sense to turn one of them into a preverbal “cash cow,” so that only one truly sucks.

And the answer is right there in front of our moo-pie faces:

Cash for your clunker organs!

Donating organs is great, but also another way for wealthy surgeons to get free parts while charging the recipient an arm and leg (pun alert). I mean, when was the last time your mechanic said, “Hey, do you mind giving me your old car when you buy a new one, so I can use all the working parts?”

I would gladly give him my old car, if he promised free repairs for the rest of my driving days.

If I was offered free health care for the rest of my life, or major discounts, I would happily IOU everything from fallow hair follicles to that nuclear device buried in my chest for superhero activities. The way things are going, you could have my eyes for a dental rinse.

Ahhhhhhhhhh! That HURT!

And how does this stimulate the staggering economy?
Hell if I know. Whoa! If you’re not paying outrageous medical bills, then you have more money, and the economy is stimulated! In true American fashion, this is where outsourcing comes in!

According to Michael Wines of The New York Times, dated August 26, 2009 (yes, it all rhymes):
“At least one million people in China need organ transplants each year, but only about 10,000 receive them, according to government statistics. Dr. Huang said that most of those organs — as high as 65 percent, by some estimates — were taken from death-row inmates after their executions.”

In other words, they can’t execute prisoners fast enough, in a place where people get the death sentence for ripping that little tag off the mattress. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Just kidding, Chinese people! I really don’t need to anger my daughter’s kung fu teacher! Those cute little throwing stars come out of nowhere!

Enough light humor; what are you doing with that pancreas later tonight?

It could be kind of an IOU policy to the Chinese government for when you expire, but remember, you never want to tempt fate by visiting the awesome and beautiful orient (damage control), where you could get the death penalty for belching in public – which is probably the way it should be everywhere! It’s a brilliant law!

Since the Chinese yen is probably worth about a million American dollars these days, start thinking of a price list, starting with your big American . . . lung. You could probably get advanced enough yen for that humungous and thirsty SUV Detroit will start selling again, once gas prices drop another nickel.

Oh yes, the possibilities are endless, and I’m only tapping one of many foreign clients eager for big American parts that are often enhanced with silicone and all of those energy drinks flooding the stores, like steroids.

In case you haven’t noticed, our hair is getting big again, and unlike most body parts (except my specialized Hibernian liver), quickly grows back. Where do you think those crazy kung fu monks with wild blonde hair and eyebrows get their looks? Oh yeah . . . you feeling me?

It’s only fitting to end this brilliant proposal with the words of an obscure philosopher: “If you can’t overpower other nations, sell them used body parts.”

Problems solved! Moonshine toast!