Okay, now that I have your attention, it’s highly unlikely that I would actually go through with the kidnapping. Besides the obvious concerns of serving significant jail time and not having the technology to monitor who has read this, there are numerous other factors.

First off, I am far too lazy to put in the necessary research in order to decipher where family members reside and devise a plan to capture them. Secondly, I dwell in a small apartment making it highly unfeasible to house more than several victims simultaneously.

Finally, I envision myself treating the captures more like guests. I would end up feeling guilty and in an effort to sooth my conscious I would try to make their stay as pleasant as possible by providing recently released DVDs and maybe perform some juggling and comedy skits.

Now that I think about it, I would have to cook meals and that is something that I barely do for myself. I would spend so much time fussing about being a respectable host that I’d end up forgetting that the sole purpose of these people residing here was to exhort their other family members into reading this.

This whole process would turn into an enormous hassle. After re-thinking I have concluded that this fiasco would end up being way more trouble than it was worth. If the only reason you have read the above is for protecting family members then I am truly sorry for the waste of time.

Despite my apology for the empty kidnapping threat though, I must be honest and inform you that I will think you’re an idiot if you don’t read this. Alright, I admit it’s impossible for me to judge one’s intelligence level strictly based on reading whether this was read and withdraw my mean spirited words.

Alas, if you don’t read this piece, I will quit brushing my teeth. That’s right, if you forgo reading this, then the burden of my rotten and decaying teeth will rest upon your shoulders. Alright again, there is no excuse for poor hygiene and my mom would never allow me to go through with this.

Let’s try a different non threatening angle. If you read this piece then good fortune will result today. I better add a disclaimer in parenthesis. (If you didn’t think you had good luck today, then the good luck was that nothing bad happened. If something bad happened then your good luck stopped it from getting any worse. If you had the worst day of your life then your luck is that going forward all your future days will be brighter.)

Alright, I throw in the towel. Attempting to trick people into reading my work is quite superficial and I prefer to believe I am above that. The problem is that I want to become wealthy and I recently picked writing as the path to accomplishment. My thinking is after writing this, someone will then drop down the sky and offer me unimaginable riches.

I already have the situation detailed in my mind. Mr. Magic Man (Triple M for short) will slowly float down from the clouds and say “I have read some of your material and it’s absolutely fantastic. Here is a million dollar check and a job writing for my newspaper. I shall provide a supermodel as your secretary and the key to the city.” Of course I would respond with “about time”… I mean “thank you for the opportunity, you won’t regret it.”

In theory it sounds great for a young orphaned boy having the hopes of becoming a writer. He saved money from recycling cans in order to purchase an outdated typewriter with missing letters. For years he worked countless hours at minimum waged jobs while still holding the dream to become a successful author. Sleepless nights created his only free time to write and he did the best he could without the use of the E and L keys. Finally after 15 years, he got his well-deserved big break and was the feel good story of the decade.

I, on the other hand, want to skip instantly to the big break. Thus, I created the concept of kidnapping family members to expedite the process. Since my overnight writing career has proven to be fruitless, I shall move on to another get rich quick scheme. Maybe doing daredevil stunts or writing lyrical recipes for a musical cook book. Who knows what crazy ideas I’ll come up with next and be too lazy to follow through.