Across England crowds erupted in protest in opposition to the United Nation’s human diversity report, which recently published genetic sequences of human subjects from six continents. The British were not just upset over results which showed that human beings, everywhere, had almost the same DNA sequences but also were upset over rumors that DNA sequencing machines had shut down half way through testing because they “got bored “finding the same pattern over and over.”

The streets of London quickly filled to the sidewalks with thousands of demonstrators protesting the report’s publication, while a snap BBC survey showed a British public skeptical of the report’s findings that:

— human DNA sequences were 99.5% the same worldwide
— 99% of human genes have the same DNA sequences as chimpanzees

And

— the British people, as well as the rest of the world’s people, share the same cellular structure and waste system as: escargot snails.

Said one Hyde Park protestor:

“This report is an outrage and insult to my family ancestors who endeavored for years to attract proper mates. To claim that all their charming effort, clever courting, family management, and pedigree building could do no better than a digested French slug is a statement more twisted in its logic than any double helix.“

British protests focused on the report’s finding that the genetic composition of the British population is 89% Celtic and 11% Anglo-Saxon descent. While this statement was stoically accepted by the British Government, it was the report’s claim that the French have exactly the same Celtic/German genes that ignited official ire and contempt.

Stated the British Minister of Unregistered Ministries:

“ To claim that the prudent citizens of the British Isles are the same people as the snail eating, wine obsessing, Musky odor loving, dainty linen, sneering, French is akin to claiming that our precious life giving sun is just an average sky blinking star.”

The French Minister of Twice Registered Ministries blamed American technology:

“A credible study of diversity must first diversify its own self with French manufactured DNA counters. Unfortunately American sequencing technology seeks to sort the genes of humanity into a new world order of hybrid-corn-syrup digesting, mouse-of-Mickey loving, genetically modified Mac-mer-icans. In contrast, French DNA counters see-quance the precious code of life in a polished relaxed style and never produce the same boring results; even for the same person.”

Despite the excitement in London’s streets the British reportedly were reticent to discuss the diversity report’s finding that 21% of the population of the Kent district of England and 12% of the nearby district of Essex share a 60% genetic overlap with the region’s one time inhabitant, Charles Darwin.

Said a medical statistician, Ronald Wu, who contributed to the diversity report:

“At least, now we understand why Darwin sat on his description of the principle of natural selection for 30 years.”

Explained the Dr. Wu’s graduate assistant James-Hank Wong:

It appears that Sir Charles, by sitting on his book, the Origin of the Species, for a few years, was able to give himself a bit of a head start.”

Explained graduate assistant James-Hank Wong’s girlfriend Linda Lee Wu:

“ Sir Darwin carried out this burst of “extra genetic circulation” while writing his final book on earthworms. He seems to have attracted mistresses with tales of daring digs for the worm segments of the earth. Given the type of mistress that would be enthralled by such tales, we can’t say that Darwin got as much of a head start as he might have hoped.”

The French Minister of Twice Registered Ministries commented on the Darwin controversy to Paris news reporters:

“There are those who have a refined taste for the exotic scents of the gastromeny snails who inhabit the finer soils of this Earth. And then, there those who have a fixation with worm segments, bad dirt, and women who encourage men to keep their perversions outdoors. We must not forget that, in life, what counts is not the counting but quality of the counted. It could be just one tiny DNA strand on one tiny gene on,— let us say, just to speculate, the 24th chromosome,— that has become so ordinarily aligned that it impels an entire people to prefer black steel ribbed umbrellas over the artwork of a French parasol. But it is ‘la difference’ that comes from a petite transfer of a little gene that has kept the world from reading le guide Darwin, du la gastronome escargot.”