A Personal Message from DoomSayersDirect.com

Dear Recipient:

We are sorry to inform you that your present situation has reached an unsatisfying (for you) conclusion.

Although (because yours is a secured file), we are not privy to information on the type of relationship in which you are engaged that has garnered this announcement, we are instructed to inform you that at this time, the personal or professional connection that you have come to cherish has been, indeed irretrievably, severed.

While we apologize for what must certainly seem like an abrupt announcement, we can only advise that if you are reading this email at your business address, you may choose to peer over the top of your cube to see if your supervisor is approaching with an empty cardboard box for your things.

You may also wish to check the sidewalk in front of your home for personal belongings, including that cat of many colors that he asked you to please, please not bring with you when you moved in because of his life-threatening allergies. But you had to have your fuzzy wuzzy buddy and just because he (Alex, not the cat) ended up in the emergency room—Wait, sorry, that was someone else’s file. It is a madhouse here today.

If you are unable to access or, more likely, comprehend the reason behind this termination announcement, you could call our help line and get the runaround, but I like you and I am going to level with you.

Still at work? Check the view from your cube one more time.

If it’s not work, it’s love, right? One or the other situation is always in your face, making you crazy. (Thanks, Freud, for pointing it out, but not really helping us do all that much about it.)

As I said, I don’t have full access to your file, but nine times out of ten in these situations, the problem is your hype cycle. Imagine a graph showing an initially shallow, but then rapidly rising curve that goes very high.

Just like the release of a new software or phone, you launched yourself into this personal or work relationship by generating fantastical expectations about yourself. Your boss, your lover, whomever, was happy with you at the beginning—and even happier as you set out to prove just how right they were to be enthusiastic.

Your hyperactivity pushed you to the top of the Crazy-About-Me curve!

And then?

You peaked.

Sadly, that effort to please was your deadly error. You simply could not (who could?) live up to the inflated expectations you generated about yourself. Now, someone has taken note that you are not, in fact, that guy, or woman, or whatever, you were so busy promoting.

Interest in you has plummeted, condemning you to the worst part of your graph: You are now rapidly accelerating in a downward fashion just like on a black-diamond ski hill—the ones you don’t so much ski down as fall off of.

And you will crash land in the trough of disillusionment (shown on the graph in dull red).

My friend, you will be lucky to climb out of this disaster with the resume on your back or vague memories of a few moments of psycho-sexual bliss.

But don’t feel bad. The hype cycle issue can happen to anyone.

The good news is that your life has exploded either at work or at home. Not both. We just have to figure out who sent you this message. So just give me a minute; I’m working on it—I think I can hack into the sender address on the work order.

Oh. . . shoot—there is another message waiting here for you.

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This has been an announcement from the professionals at DoomSayersDirect.com