The French political philosopher, Alexis De Tocqueville, said that in a democracy, “We get the government we deserve.” That’s why people don’t like the French, they always blame the victim. I thought of this quote when I read an article that stated that elected officials scored 44 out of a hundred on a basic government knowledge quiz. They FAILED a test on the basic government structure that they are a part of. The non-government people who took this same quiz scored a 49, so according to Al we’re not quite getting all of our bang for our buck, though almost. This quiz doesn’t include high school seniors, who picked Tehran as the place where the lunar orbiter landed. So it occurred to me that we need a little primer on how our government is structured and how it works, and since we can’t expect anyone who actually works in it to explain it, I guess that leaves it up to me.

Our government consists of three parts; The President, the Senate and the House of Representatives. To understand how they function together it is easier to think of them as Moe, Larry and Curly. If you’ve ever watched how those three accomplished their goals you will have a pretty good idea of how the government operates.

The House of Representatives is made up of over 400 local representatives, each representing a district. Each district is made up of two kinds of people;
1.Those who voted for you, known as constituents.
2.Those who voted against you, known as radical buffoons.

The Senate has two representatives from each state. This means that a state like Rhode Island, which is about the size of the basement in the Empire State Building, gets the same amount of representation as real states like Texas and California. Even toy states like Alaska and Hawaii get two. Senators are voted in for life, there are several who were elected during the Civil War and are still serving.

The President, on the other hand, represents all the people, whether they work for big rich corporations or big rich unions. This is known as bipartisanship.

These elected officials belong to Parties, which describes pretty well what they do all day. The parties are divided into two groups; the Democrats and Republicans. The difference between the Republicans and the Democrats is about the same difference as between Coke and Pepsi. You might love one and hate the other, but in the end you are left with something that will rot your teeth over time. The Republican Party is represented by the logo of an Elephant, an animal known for running over things in a blind rage while making a god-awful lot of noise. The Democrats logo is a jackass, which is more self-explanatory.

The two parties further divide themselves along Ideological lines; either Liberals or Conservatives. The Liberals are considered the Left Wing while the Conservatives are considered the Right Wing. They don’t say the left and right wing of what, but I think Ben Franklin left us a clue when he wanted to make the national symbol the turkey. Liberals think that Conservatives are anal-retentive, Cro Magnons who didn’t get enough mother’s milk as a child. Conservatives think that Liberals are namby-pamby Peter Pansies who think the government is Tinkerbell, and money is fairy dust. Both opinions are fairly accurate.

The elected officials’ entire purpose in life is to pass LAWS, otherwise known as “Rules that other people have to live by.” This is because Congress exempts itself from having to do what other people are required to do. This doesn’t mean that they have no standards, however, as there is both a House and Senate Ethics Committee. If a member “breaks” a rule he must face the disciplinary wrath of the Ethics Committee. This is like the time when my older son was about six, and being the model parents we were, we let him choose his own punishment for one of his moral infractions. After much deliberation he said; “You can slap my hand… tomorrow.” The Ethics Committee is like this but not as harsh.

I hope that this has proved helpful. I also hope that you were paying attention because there will be a test. If you get stuck on a question just remind yourself of your two options; you can either get it right or you can get elected.