Welcome to your local national park. In response to recent changes, the National Park Service and the National Rifle Association (motto: Guns Don’t Kill, People Do) have formulated the following guidelines to make your visit safe and enjoyable.

1. All duels to the death must be held on the duel field expressly designed for it. Reservations must be made at least 24 hours in advance. Flinging one’s glove at the face of your opponent to announce a duel challenge is not enough, you still need a permit. At the conclusion of a duel, the one left will promptly remove the other’s body and dispose of it safely so the bears won’t get to it.

2. Tent campers must appoint at least one person to stand overnight watch because you can’t be too careful.

3. Shooting animals is allowed, as long as the animals are bigger than you and wear shoes. If using an automatic assault rifle, do not leave animal parts behind to feed the rangers.

4. Speaking of rangers, if you don’t see many during your visit they are probably in the new Dick Cheney Memorial Underground Bunker, which have been built in each park, where they feel safe. If you do happen to see one or two outdoors, don’t surprise them by sneaking up behind them and shouting “bang bang.” Such capers will set them off.

5. Unarmed campers should not wear inflammatory tee shirts inside the park borders. Such phrases as “peace” and “hope” and “Commit acts of random compassion” tend to irritate gun-toting campers and could lead to a prickly rash.

6. No shooting (except in self defense) on the Sabbath.