It’s been fifty years since the debut of Barbie, the original “fashion doll.” You’d think something made of plastic wouldn’t have changed much—sort of like Cher—but you’d be wrong.

Malibu Barbie is now Menopause Barbie. She’s given Ken a black eye for hanging around the Bratz dolls too long. She’s even dumping him for GI Joe. Maybe because Joe’s a real action figure, while Ken’s always been just a boy-toy for her.

Let’s face it, while Barbie’s had numerous careers, from glamorous fashion model to astronaut, veterinarian, even mermaid, Ken’s done little save escort Barbie places so she can show off her wardrobe du jour. I wonder if, on the back shelves of toy stores, there are dusty boxes of “Store Greeter Kens,” or “You Want Fries With That?” Kens.

I can get that Barbie needs to work hard to keep up her Malibu Dream House and continuous wardrobe supply. Surely Ken needs money to escort his date around. Evidently it’s not enough, which is probably why Barbie’s leaving him for Joe. Considering her age, she probably wants more money now for the plastic surgeon.

Not that she’s concerned with wrinkles and sagging. If she’s with a real action figure like GI Joe, with articulated joints and everything, I’m betting she’s finally going to realize her dream of becoming anatomically correct. The next time Joe sees her, she’ll probably have nipples. Extra money can buy that.

Unless, of course, her Malibu Dream House is foreclosed upon by angry, Real-Estate Ken.