Even as a child I always had credibility issues with the Santa story. Some elements of it just don’t make a lick of sense to me. Let’s break it down:

SANTA’S AGE: Exactly how old is Santa??? Because it seems like he’s been around forever. At least three hundred years. Is that possible? With his high BMI? And more importantly — why are we allowing our children to force a 300 year old man to travel across the globe in inclement weather to bring them toys for free? Is this not a colossal example of bad, pass-the-buck-parenting on a worldwide scale?

HO HO HO: Santa is always laughing “Ho Ho Ho!” But really — what the hell is he laughing at? Has Santa ever said “Ho Ho Ho” in response to something that was funny? No. This guy just laughs like an idiot, randomly, completely out of context. When Santa does it, apparently its charming. If you did it, psychotropic drugs would be prescribed.

SANTA’S WORKSHOP: Apparently he has elves making toys. Yet whenever I see actual kids opening presents on Christmas day, these “homemade” toys have labels on them such as Mattel, Hasbro, Little Tykes, Baby Einstein… So I guess we’re all okay with the fact that Santa is up there at the North Pole, with his team of underpaid Holiday mutants, making illegal, substandard, knock-off toys in some sort of merry, sing-along sweatshop.

THE SLED: Yes, it’s a big sled. But is it that big? Can it really carry enough toys for every child in the world? Doesn’t it seem like maybe Santa just takes a token route down to Alaska, drops off a few Slinkies, and then farms out the rest of the gig to some other fat guy? Or here’s a theory: maybe they’re dehydrated toys. That way he can store millions of them in his giant sack. He puts the little toy nubbin under the tree, adds water, and the toy sprouts to full size by Christmas morning. Sounds pretty stupid, right? Fine. But is it any stupider than flying reindeer? Which leads to my next point:

SANTA’S REINDEER: Here’s an idea, Santa. Instead of wasting all your energy teaching a land animal to fly, use some birds. Plus, keep this is mind: Santa has a very long flight. So let’s face it — at some point in your life one of Santa’s reindeer has crapped on your roof. And that is just disgusting. Because who ever goes up on your roof? That reindeer turd is still there in July, baking in the hot sun. Is that why Santa always brings a helper elf with him on his ride? Santa delivers the presents. The elf cleans up the petrified reindeer feces from last year.

MILK AND COOKIES: Every kid leaves them out for Santa. All night. My point being — every Christmas Eve Santa drinks thousands of gallons of improperly stored dairy. No wonder he takes the rest of the year off. He’s in intensive care!