As the economy continues to wander aimlessly across the GNP landscape, Americans have expressed their anger over the uncontrolled growth of rural sprawl into the pristine urban and concrete environments of the country. Invading rural clutter such as trees, deer droppings, crop pesticides, country music stations, USDA farm subsidies, and food, in particular have drawn the ire of urban residents who have pronounced themselves “fed up” with lack of government regulation of rural sprawl.
A recent Green paper jointly published by USDA and the Urban Parking Lot Institute provided a rash of statistics which provide vivid evidence that public rage is not misplaced or the result of a country music’s dominant role in shaping rush hour radio commentary and anger.
For example, the report reveals that:
–sixty eight percent of “suburban homes owners” have spotted an outdoor fresh vegetable stand, with no laser scanner, background music, and Hollywood magazine, within two miles of their home.
–thirty six percent of urban homeowners, at least once in the past year, have been forced to slow their car to “a first gear crawl” to avoid hitting “horned mammals; which were either buck deer, beef cattle, or longhorn cars from Texas.
–rescue squads in thirty four U.S. cities had to answer calls, and use expensive fire ladders, to retrieve drivers from “big wheel” rural truck cabs.
Chicago Judge Harbarger was quoted by the report stating:
“Every time an urban siren goes off before anyone can stand their attention on end; some hound dog from the upper Wisconsin Peninsula starts howling out the hillybilly dog blues and ruins the finest and proudest sound of the city. When I was a boy townhomes owned Chihuahuas, European Poodles, or cats who could absorb the shrillest siren scream without even raising a tail. Now, every half-hickle-body is bringing hunting dogs right into the heart of every big city. And don’t get me started about those whacking country crickets that are ruining the concerts in our City Parks.”
The joint agency report primarily blamed uncontrolled rural sprawl on lax county regulatory structures, USDA farm subsidies, and greedy wildlife. Chapter three of the report, in particular, focused on the growing urban mammalian, and reptilian, underclass:
“Whether it is alligators on Florida golf greens, coyotes in Colorado suburbs, deer in Virginia driveways, or rabbits all over the place, invasive rural animals have shown no respect for the basic rules of city life. These urban invading animals, be they raccoon, deer, rabbits, skunks, and possums, ignore road safety and do not practice basic urban hygiene such as washing their paws after using the outdoor sniff-spot. It is of little wonder that many end up flattened across the middle of our most splendid urban highways.”
Judge Harbarger, defending his urban siren tastes, provided a Chicago Sun reporter his sprawling opinion:
“When my generation wanted to embrace rich soil, smell fresh manure, swallow a big sky, and blend birdsong into the background of every thought, we rode out to our grandparents’ place, drove the tractor round the pasture and spent an afternoon helping grandpa drive his truck four miles into town. Now city dwellers just take a cell phone picture of themselves in a stratosphere cowboy hat, and then e-send it to their grandparents on Facebook.”
In the wake of the report’s publication, Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack announced at a Big City Mayors Convention in a downtown Detroit cow pasture, the following suggestions for stopping rural sprawl in its dirt tracks:
a)-Construct moats, walls, and turrets around major U.S. cities.
b)-Provide state agencies with funds to dig rural water holes where wildlife and irrigated farms can compete for scarce resources in a Darwinian setting.
c)–Spray natural smells on roadway signs which allow rabbits and deer to sniff-read traffic signals.
d)-Cluster farms around a central cow and farmer, or USDA subsidy.
e)–Restrict transmission of country music to “note of mouth performances”, and/or,—- the wind.
f)-Teach urban gangs to defend their turf against wild mammals and how to knife-fight raccoon and possums.
g)-Provide rural residents with maps that black out urban WalMarts.
The Secretary of Agriculture’s comments were quickly incorporated into the lyrics of six country and western music songs and broadcast on radio stations across the country.
Judge Harbarger told reporters that while he enjoyed the new country lyrics, country music could not match the pleasure of an urban siren going off in the middle of a stretched-out George Gershwin melody.