What is it about men and Home Depot? My husband, Tom, is there a minimum of three times a week. As he approaches the sliding doors, the orange glow beckoning to him, his pace quickens and he begins what I call the “hardware walk.” This is a quick purposeful walk straight to the department he is in need of visiting.

Forget trying to keep up with him. I either have to grab a belt loop and hang on for dear life or ask ahead of time what department he is headed to and then I can grab a map at the door and find my way there. Now, this wouldn’t be too bad but this is a man who has a bum knee that swells weekly and is the reason we can’t go dancing, take long walks or any other thing that I would love to do. The aura in the place must have healing powers because he can walk fine in that store. Maybe it has something to do with all the orange.

Recently, we had to go to the Orange Palace for a new toilet. My darling husband has been waiting patiently for something to go wrong with a toilet in our house. It came with four perfectly good toilets that do what all toilets are meant to do and have served their purpose well. However, the man of the house wants an elongated bowl model and not a round bowl like we have here. What was that builder thinking?

The day I went into the bathroom and the floor was wet was a glorious day at our house. One of those perfectly fine toilets finally had a problem. Now, we don’t know what that problem was and it could have been a ten cent part but my man was seeing little flusher handles and toilet seats dancing in his head. So off to the Home Depot we go.

We enter and I grab hold of a belt loop and jog to keep pace as I call out,

“Do we need a map?”

Tom stops quickly and I fly into him as he turns and gives me this disbelieving look that I would offend him by asking that question.

We arrive in the plumbing department and the end cap has two toilets proudly displayed up on the wall. They are up high to avoid people giving them a try, I’m guessing. We turn into the aisle and there they are – thirty five additional toilets on display – thirty seven in total. Tom is in awe. Who would have thought there were that many different toilets?

Tom asks, “Which one do you like?”

“Umm…. they’re toilets; I don’t really like one over another.”

I’m faced with thirty seven toilets and a decision when up walks Mr. Plumbing Department guy in orange, his vest covered in pins and his name written in black marker.

“Do you need any help?”

I have to bite my lip because I really don’t want to be kicked out of the Home Depot on this particular day, so I let Tom handle that question.

Now here I am, in every girl’s fantasy, listening to two men discuss toilets. They have one that shows that it will handle a full bucket of golf balls in a single flush without clogging. Enough said. I can’t imagine the planning meeting to come up with that demonstration.

I couldn’t resist asking,

“Can that toilet really handle a full gallon bucket of golf balls in a single flush without clogging?” (batting of eyes)

Tom shoots me a look because he can’t believe I am kidding around while we have such an important decision to make. Mr. Plumbing guy doesn’t miss a beat and starts elaborating the marvelous features of this model.

So not only do we end up with an elongated bowl toilet… drum roll please…we also get one that is chair height. And not only one, but two because why not replace the one in the master bath with this masterpiece also.

Today they are being installed. Tom is really excited and can’t wait. I’m thinking he’ll probably invite the neighborhood guys over this weekend to show them off some. I am truly considering setting up a tray table in front of one and putting the fine china on there and serving his dinner.

Of course, today is Friday, so there will be many more trips to the big Orange Palace this weekend. I’m beside myself just thinking about it.