“Russian roulette is not the same without a gun.” – Lady Gaga

I guess I really shouldn’t expect much from someone whose name is essentially the sound an infant makes because it doesn’t know how to communicate and is only really capable of crapping its pants. Basically her name means that she is a grown woman who still can’t communicate (and craps her pants).

When I first heard this lyric, which is prominently stated after the second chorus in her crap-tacular song “Poker Face,” I wished someone would just stab me in the ears because I didn’t think it was possible for a dumber statement to be uttered (slightly edging out Pacman Jones’ quote about how he doesn’t have problems with “scrip clubs”).

First, it makes absolutely no sense on any level. It is literally just words. You’re right; Russian roulette IS not the same without a gun. In fact, it isn’t even Russian roulette anymore; it is a bunch of people sitting around a table passing a bullet around. Gaga, is there any standard for what goes from your head to a song lyric, or are you just lazier than Stuart Scott’s left eye?

Here are some statements that make equally as much sense. Eating dinner is not the same without the food. Getting up is not the same when you’re lying down. Doing the essential thing that defines what you are doing is not the same when you don’t do that essential thing. These might sound kind of lame, but you really have to hear them with music playing.

Second, stop telling me Gaga is such a talented artist and how hot she is. Gaga doesn’t just look like she fell out of the “ugly tree,” it looks like she was strapped to the “ugly chair” and bludgeoned with the “ugly ball peen hammer.” You always know when someone isn’t hot by how much everyone tries to convince you that they are. Nobody has to say Megan Fox is hot. That’s like saying Orenthal James likes to get his double-murder on.

Same goes for you, Danica. If you didn’t have such finely tuned hand-eye coordination perfectly suited for taking last place, you would be just another chubby girl. But because you can adequately drive a car without endangering the lives of everyone around you, I’m supposed to watch you race and think you’re hot. Sorry, if I were that delusional, I’d write something on how people should watch the WNBA.

Third, the fact that she says “is not the same” implies that regular Russian roulette is really a blast (pun slightly intended). Does anyone who is still alive really think Russian roulette is really that great?

Look Gaga, I’ll play Russian roulette with you, but you have to let me load the gun. Maybe that would kill two birds with one stone; but then again, stoning two birds is not the same without a stone.