Don’t tell me the morning of, that you have a trip and need a home lunch, just grab the jar of peanut butter, a spoon and can of Vienna sausage. Next time give me some notice.

There was a time that I was meticulous about laundry. Now I don’t even bother to separate the clothes. In fact my kids are lucky I just don’t spray them with Febreeze on their way out the door.

If you say I look like I am gaining weight you are definitely asking for the F bomb — chances are if you notice, so do I.

Men please note when trying to get a lady’s attention: “What’s happening hot stuff” does not constitute a hello and licking your dry ashy lips does not constitute a smile. PS: make sure you have at least 8 teeth in your mouth if you smile.

Thank God I was taught to respect my elders otherwise I would have just kicked the cane out from under that dusty old fossil.

Every morning my dog follows me around like I owe him money. I am pretty sure I don’t.

Job Posting: Full-time position available for a person to take my place and argue with my kids – must have ability to bring up the past and throw it in their face on short notice. Guilt manipulation skills a plus. Will pay in grilled cheese sandwiches.

My son just asked me when I thought I might be able to give him $200? For what, you ask? A belt, but not just any belt. A “WWE title belt.” Oh yeah, that makes a difference. Might I suggest you make your own out of recycled cans.

The apple does not fall far from the tree indeed. My son told me that Mother’s Day is just a day that moms take advantage of their kids. I replied, “Baby that isn’t true – now hurry and finish those dishes because the laundry is waiting.”

Just witnessed a crime being committed to a pair of Spandex. Damn girl, what were you thinking when you shoved your butt in there?

Sneakers…keys…cell phone….homework…..socks….. What are things your kids can’t find in the morning?

…and the Academy goes to MEEEEEE….. for making you believe I give a crap.

I could not wait to get out from under my parent’s roof. Having a curfew was the worst. Why didn’t anyone tell me that when you have kids they would also be monitoring your whereabouts by calling 6 times in an hour to ask questions, like, Where is the extra roll of toilet paper? Is Colgate the only toothpaste we have? or Why is the milk on the wrong shelf?

Sometimes I wonder if when my kids say “Mom, I told you about this like 50 times, I have been speaking about it all week.” They are just messing with my head – or I am doing too good a job at tuning them out.

I love it when my kids offer suggestions on what to do with my money….. “We should get a new PC,” or, “Why don’t we get HBO.” Note the WE pattern. How about WE get jobs.

The change guy in front of the bank asked if I “had anything for him” (as he tried to block my exit)…. uh, yeah, advice, you ass – don’t ask me for money especially when you are dressed better than me.

There is only so much control I have as to where my dog pees. I try to avoid nice rims, new bikes, helmets, and pretty flowers, but damn, now bushes have advocates from the piss patrol?

I never claimed or insinuated I was perfect, so if u think that, you came to that conclusion on your own. My only claim is that my crap doesn’t stink.

Finding matching socks has become the bane of my existence.

I am just saying, hypothetically of course, that IF a collection agency is going to call you 5 times a day they should probably pronounce your name correctly.

Every New Year one of my resolutions is to stop swearing. Today I have come to the realization that as long as: 1. my kids live with me; 2. I have to take public transportation and 3. annoying people exist, I might as well cross that $#%* off my list.

Procrastination is best used when applied to doing laundry….