The reason that you’re not successful in your home-based business is that you’re obviously not communicating properly. Not only that — and I say this with the deepest respect — you’re probably not coordinating your household chores well, either.
Let’s face it: if you’re ever going to increase your pathetic net worth, you’re going to have to organize your home/business behaviors, which I assure you can be a stimulating, fun activity for the entire family, and there is very little likelihood that this transformation could cause you to anger customers and result in having to max out your credit cards, making your finances so unstable that bill collectors will be phoning constantly and banging your doors down in the middle of the night, inevitably forcing you to declare bankruptcy and having to go live with your mother-in-law. This is provided, of course, that you follow some simple procedures.
The first procedure — assuming that you are currently on speaking terms with your children — is to enlist their cooperation. This will generate many rewards, the most desirable being that they’ll probably leave home much sooner than anticipated. If any remain, they’ll learn important lessons, like the unfortunate teenage son who misfiled his baby sister in a carton of wallpaper samples and couldn’t find her for three hours, practically ruining the wallpaper. The lesson here is obvious: when this boy marries, he’ll be thoroughly accustomed to ongoing criticism.
The second procedure suggests saving time through multi-tasking. This is a natural skill that women possess because, as teenage girls, they secrete hormones which enable them to talk on the phone while doing homework, polishing their nails, and piercing a friend’s nose, usually while pouting at their mothers. Later, this skill advances to diapering babies while chain-sawing tree limbs, vacuuming carpets (with all lines going in the same direction) while preparing dinner, and hanging curtains while administering the Heimlich maneuver.
Most importantly, the third procedure requires the family to speak courteously to customers, especially while on the phone. One home-based wife and mother, whose name I’d rather not mention at this time, became upset with a family member during a conference call, and hissed furiously under her breath: “Didn’t I tell you not to pick your teeth with my credit card?” And this was just a simple comment to my husband.
To help streamline your office, here are some frequently-asked questions and answers:
1. HELP! MY PAPERS ARE OUT OF CONTROL. HOW DO I REDUCE THIS CLUTTER?
Utilize stacking trays, which store vital business supplies such as incoming mail, empty beer cans, bottles of nail polish, and take-out pizza menus. Caution: do not stack more than 17 trays in any given area, as this may cause your office to tilt.
2. HOW DO I TRAIN MY FAMILY TO ANSWER PHONES PROPERLY?
Simply explain that a telephone is the family’s most powerful tool, and not just because, carefully aimed, it can keep insurance salesmen at bay for weeks. To make a good impression, instruct everyone to answer the phone thusly: “Good morning, thank you for calling the ABC Company.” WARNING: THIS GREETING IS ONLY APPROPRIATE IF YOUR COMPANY NAME IS ACTUALLY “ABC COMPANY.”
3. I’VE READ THAT ROSE KENNEDY WAS EXCEPTIONALLY ORGANIZED AND KEPT RECORDS OF HER CHILDREN’S SCHOOL GRADES, INOCULATIONS, AND OTHER VITAL INFORMATION ON INDEX CARDS. WOULD YOU SUGGEST THAT I DO THE SAME?
No. This would be a waste of time because the Kennedy family already has that information.
4. I HAVE SHOPPING LISTS ALL OVER MY HOUSE REMINDING ME OF THINGS I NEED TO BUY. HOW SHOULD I ORGANIZE THIS TASK?
Using a large blackboard, jot down needed items with chalk. Unfortunately, the blackboard is usually too large to fit into the grocery cart. We’re still working on this, but as soon as we figure it out, we’ll let you know.
And so, you’ll find that this project will bring exciting surprises. One is that, because of the time involved in reorganizing your office system, you may successfully manage to delay actually working at your business — sometimes for weeks on end. But best of all, you’ll experience the heartfelt spirit of our country’s great rags-to-riches entrepreneurs. In no time, you’ll feel the passion and drive to emulate these business leaders. And then, feeling totally worthless, you’ll just have to go and lie down.