I am not quite 50, yet am constantly informed that I am almost “over the hill” as the greeting card industry takes great pleasure in reminding me. My television is bombarded with AARP and incontinence ads, while Alex Trebek is trying to sell me more life insurance. I am instructed to buy emergency alert buttons in case I fall and can’t get up. However the ones that irritate me the most are the Cialis and Viagra ads. The Cialis commercial with the two bathtubs is my favorite. It still baffles me how a couple can be in two separate bathtubs and still get the job done. Let alone, how romantic is that? Perhaps they are in dire need of couples counseling.

I can overlook the fact that our media is trying to make money off of a captive audience, but when they start messing with my email…it means war! The other morning I checked email, only to discover I had over 300 spam mails. Curious, I opened up the file to see who was the culprit. Apparently, the pharmaceutical industry had begun a campaign to barrage me with annoying emails. I was their latest victim and didn’t even suffer from Erectile Dysfunction (ED). Hello…I am a female! This is what I received:

Become Iron Man in bed, spend endless night of pleasure, secrets to sexy bedtimes, be beloved by her tonight, and my all time favorite…much bigger than you used to have it. Every email was sent in quadruplicate. As humorist, I began thinking about what my response should be. It was time for ‘Operation Shock and Awe.’

Dear Spammer,

I saw your email that you sent me, the first time. I am afflicted with Dyslexia, not Dementia. You obviously have nothing better to do than bother me with repetitive emails. Perhaps you should look for a real job, or deal with your own sexual frustration.

For the record, my husband and I make love 3-4 times a day, seven days a week, double time on holidays. He is an animal in bed and has more staying power than my great uncle’s bull, Hercules. Quite frankly, the use of your product would either cause chaffing or kill us both. We already attend weekly couples Botox sessions to decrease some of the smile lines caused from receiving constant pleasure. Please move on to some other unsuspecting soul who really has issues in the bedroom.

Do yourselves a favor and get rid of the bathtub ad. As the person who has to scrub our tub, two is not a turn on. One is much more romantic and there is less to clean.

Signed,

More than satisfied

I have since sent all of these spam emails into the cyber trashcan. I apologize in advance if they inadvertently make it into your email. They are like a new Internet STD that has been unleashed. Opening my email every morning has almost become comical, as I hold my breath waiting to see how many more there will be. I just have one question…Do they sell computer prophylactics?