*NOTE: Every one of the following PayPhrase examples are actual suggestions from Amazon, which apparently hates me.

I have never been much of a “shopper.” I’d rather watch a Geico “Caveman” 24-hour marathon than go out to a mall. And now, thanks to Amazon, anything more difficult than one-click instant checkout while still unshowered and in my pajamas seems like a LOT of wasted effort.

This is why I was so shocked when Amazon recently started getting nasty with me. There I was, happily checking out — probably buying something I could have driven half a block down the street to purchase, something that is totally ridiculous to buy on Amazon, like lettuce or a spare human liver — but doing it anyway because I am helpless against the seduction of their one-click checkout.

That was when the “Amazon PayPhrase” featured popped up.

Amazon explained the concept to me: PayPhrase is “an easy-to-remember shortcut to shipping and payment information in your Amazon.com account. Use it for Express Checkout on Amazon.com and across the web.”

Then ever helpful Amazon suggested a PayPhrase for me, their loyal and devoted customer:

We suggest: “Amy’s Negative Life.”

What the… Amy’s Negative Life? Is Amazon passing judgment on my existence?

I felt sucker-punched. Where did that bile come from, Amazon? What have I done to you to cause such bitter hatred? I am just trying to order myself a Cafe Latte with extra foam and you attack me like that?

Shaken, I skipped this mean-spirited new option and checked out as usual.

The next time I came back, there it was again,

We suggest: “Amy’s Sunken Courage.”

You did not just go there. Are you calling me out? Did Amazon just call me a wuss? Are you trying to say I don’t have the guts to use PayPhrase checkout?

We suggest: “Amy’s Suck Bravery.”

Suck Bravery? What is that? That’s not even proper English. I can’t tell if you’re telling me I suck or if you’re calling me some kind of a dicey thrill-seeker, Amazon. I have to say either option is uncalled for and rude.

We suggest “Amy’s Facial Courage.”

Ok, I guess that clears it up.

We suggest: “Amy’s Special Eeg.”

What the heck is an Eeg? Is it Amazon Mexico talking about my special egg? If so, why do I have a special egg? That sounds like something Of Mice and Men’s Lennie would be carrying around after he accidentally crushed his rabbit. Or is it E-E-G, and Amazon is implying I’m going to need a brain scan when it is done with me?

We suggest: “Amy’s Clogged Courage.”

Alright. That’s it, Amazon. Meet me behind the bike racks after school.

We suggest: “Bravery and Homicides.”

You read my mind. Just let me one-click checkout these brass knuckles and I’ll be right there.