Why are men considered dressed up when their collars are cinched shut by a tie? Is bearing a noose about one’s neck symbolic of the business world?

The women next to these gasping men are judged by entirely different open-necked standards. Designers seem to think that the further down a woman’s collar drops, the more dressed up she is. Her unfettered neck is left without encumbrance or cravat.

How is this fair?

The late humorist Lewis Grizzard said he believed men were forced to wear ties as partial atonement for that whole childbirth thing.

I suspect it’s because we guys blew the open-collar look with ridiculously bad taste when we had the chance.

When I was teen back in the 1970s, men attempted to escape the necktie gallows. We threw away our nooses and popped open our collars. That made us so giddy that we undid two or three more buttons.

The problem – besides the fact that some guys looked like they were smuggling grizzly bears beneath their polyester – is that freedom felt strange. So guys draped heavy chains around their necks.

Then we thought, hey, if one chain is cool, then three, four or five would be the ultimate in hipness, especially if medallions the size of wall clocks swung from them, smacking our chests with every step.

A disco dance was like wearing a personal defibrillator.

I suppose that’s why some guys glued wigs onto their chests – not to look like bears but for protection.

It’s no wonder we’re stuck wearing ties again.

Perusing back-to-school fashions advertised in the newspaper this fall, I was startled to see that one of the looks for the fashionable female this year includes wearing a fully buttoned collar sealed by a tie. According to neckties.com, ”Ties have become increasingly popular as accessories for women.”

Ladies, why? You were free!

I believe in equal opportunity, but as my mom used to retort when I whined, ”Everybody else is doing it,” ”If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you jump, too?”

To paraphrase, just because we’ve cut off all oxygen to our brains doesn’t mean you should, too. Somebody needs to remain capable of rational thought. Judging by that medallion fiasco, it won’t be us.

Besides, I discovered that ties for men are like shoes for women: No matter how many you have, there never seems to be one that matches our outfit just so. At least, that’s what my wife tells me when I try to dress up.

I’ve had the misfortune to work at several jobs that required ties. Well, they can string me up, but they can’t make me grow up. Na-na-na-na-na! I have a whole fleet of colorful neckwear featuring the likes of Donald Duck, Bugs Bunny, Marvin Martian, Mickey Mouse and Scooby-Doo, and I’m not afraid to use them.

The big boss from corporate dropped by on an inspection tour, and there I was, resplendent in my Elmo and Oscar the Grouch tie.

After surveying my noose for an uncomfortably long time, the Big Boss remarked,

”Elmo, that’s my kid’s favorite.”

”I’m partial to Oscar,” I said.

”Uh-huh,” he said. ”Don’t ever wear that tie to work again.”

He was joking, of course. I hope. Just to be safe, the next time he visited, I hid beneath my desk. I didn’t know how he or his kid felt about Winnie the Pooh.

Also, I was wearing sneakers with my suit. Shoes are another fashion mystery I can’t solve. At least my laces were tied. Just like my choker of a necktie.