Family-Prized Sofa for Sale
In perfect condition—only $100 or best offer (and we’re willing to consider any offer at this point)!
This gently used, Concord grape-colored velvet sectional sofa—that truly doubles as a work of art—is only 10-ish years old and can be yours today. Seriously, call us now!
It features 13 ½ cushions (we’ll explain when you call) wrapped in easy-to-remove covers. Many of these cushion covers still have their original zippers intact. The zippers that were mysteriously ripped out have been inconspicuously replaced with large diaper pins showcasing adorable pink elephants, which we’ll throw in for free if you act right now!
A few of the cushions have only been vomited on by the dog a few times. However, we were extremely careful to scrape out all the undigested kibble from in-between the frame’s tight crevices as soon as we found out what happened (generally within the first 48 hours).
We have also diligently vacuumed out a few pounds of cereal that had fallen into the sofa’s nether regions over the years. Not that we let the kids eat each and every meal on the “dining sofa” while they watch TV and mindlessly pick random body parts.
Because of our thorough cleaning (and I’ll tell you, we had that vacuum hose shoved inside the sofa’s forgotten cavities for a good 12 or so minutes sucking, crackling, and thudding out all sorts of objects), we are confident there’s nothing left inside—and if there is, we’re positive none of it will come back to life.
If you like cats, you’re in luck! Our cat’s white, wiry fur is still stubbornly creatively woven within the purple velvet. If you don’t have a cat, you can pretend you do with this sofa. May we suggest you name your new pretend cat Mouse Killer? Not that our cat has killed any rodent and left it on the sofa to convulse to death. If our cat did do something like that—he didn’t of course—we are happy to note that we have always flipped and rotated the cushions making it hard to remember where the crime scene happened—not that it did.
Also, we’ve never let any kid accidents stay for long! Cushion covers get removed and washed routinely. Because of this, the sofa’s rich hue has become equally faded amongst all the cushions. There are now beautiful notes of pinkish-red showing through. Pretty smart, huh? See, we’ve been keeping our customer in mind for all 10-ish years. You’re welcome.
Call now, an operator is waiting expectantly at the kitchen phone. Did we mention that we’re willing to consider any offer? Maybe, if we like you, we’ll throw in the microwave for free. It works most of the time when it isn’t sparking.