The Education Department has announced that it is recalling a half million high school graduates after officials discovered defects in the nation’s educational system. According to unnamed sources, several parts of the U.S. educational system were found to be working improperly. Providing an example, an unnamed education official said that hundreds of high schools had routed first year algebra students to work-shop class; where the students were taught to use four inch pliers and adjustable wrenches to factor third order polynomials.

A second unnamed source said that education officials also discovered that half of the nation’s high school English students mistakenly had been issued abridged poetry books; books which replace Edgar Allen Poe’s term “nevermore” with the expression: “Polly want a cracker.”

A third unnamed source told reporters that he was still waiting for his parents to provide him with a name.

The third source also said that no one defect dominated the education department’s recall decision. Rather, the source said, department officials decided that the cumulative impact of hundreds of minor education defects meant that letting loose a half a million high school graduates on the nation’s universities and job market would compromise public safety, undermine the economy, and increase the ratings of the cartoon network.

A fourth source, Dr. Crave Vivid, disputed the decision to recall half a million high school graduates. Instead Dr. Vivid argued that educators should use Facebook, to send corrective homework upgrades to the half million defective high school graduates.

Bloggers blasted the idea, saying that putting school homework on Facebook would be more explosive than building a ten-minaret mosque inside the kitchen of Sarah Palin’s Alaskan home and using it to call her husband to prayer.

Dr. Vivid used the occasion to predict that school-based homework would go extinct in the next decade unless:

— teachers post assignments on social network sites.
and,

— reward correct answers with pop-up invitations to midnight slumber parties.

The School Administrators Clamp Down

The day following the recall announcement, an official of the American School Administrators union informed anxious parents that faulty class room content was not the key reason for the student recall. Rather, the official said, analysis of graduate records uncovered 2.4 million late homeroom arrivals, 3.1 million cafeteria violations, and over 18 million cell-phones calls from high-school parking lots.

Dr. Vivid said that such defects would do little harm to the economy, since homerooms, cafeteria rules, and cell-phone restricted parking lots are rarely found in business establishments or at universities.

The head of the School Administrator’s Union responded by telling reporters that U.S. businesses do not tolerate late homeroom arrivals.

Dr.Vivid countered, saying that students who miss homeroom might be efficiently allocating resources to their most productive uses and might prove to be the sort of worker that improves U.S. productivity rates.

The head of the School Administrator’s Union asserted that she had already said late homeroom arrivals would not be tolerated by the colleges and businesses in the U.S. economy.

Dr. Vivid changed tack and said that it would be a waste of resources to recall a half million graduating seniors and make them sit through hours of lost homeroom time.

Within an hour of the debate, a School Administrator Union lawyer assured concerned parents that recalled students would not be forced to sit through hundreds of hours of lost homeroom time. Rather, he said, the half a million students were being recalled so they could be suspended from school.

The Head of the School Administrator’s Union then suggested that Dr. Vivid go sit in his university’s homeroom class before he had his U.S. citizenship suspended for ten days.

The Recall Debate Expands

As the school recall debate raged, a high school graduate from Dade City Florida, prominently announced on Facebook that Kyle-Hank-Justin was his name. He then challenged education officials to get a life with a public name.

The next day, three education officials, who asked to be called Code Zz1, Code Zz2, and Bob, said that education department files showed that one Kyle-Hank-Justin had a history of busting up polynomial formulas in algebra shop-class with metal-tipped hammers.

Within minutes of the Kyle-Hank statement, California officials declared that they were recalling two hundred thousand kindergarten graduates.

California education officials said the recall was initiated after investigators discovered that recently hired teaching assistants, with high school diplomas, had been teaching five year old kids to “count from one to nineteen by pounding out each number with a metal-tipped workshop hammer.”