At the risk of stepping on anyone’s toes, I must say that I admire Cosmopolitan magazine. However, one of the things I don’t like about it are the quizzes. They don’t come out and say you are a loser, you have to answer a bunch of relatively stupid questions, total your score up and then they say you are a loser. I don’t know of any men’s magazines that offers this opportunity to discover himself so deeply.

Therefore, I am proud to announce the first Cosmo Quiz For Men. Today’s Topic: “Finding The Perfect Mate.” (Remember, you must answer these questions painfully honest, or lie to get a better score.)

1. You’re sitting at a bar and an extremely attractive woman smiles and winks at you. Do you:

a. wet your pants?

b. send her a drink and hope that she doesn’t walk over and dump the drink into your lap, which would make answer “a” the correct answer? Or,

c. send her your phone number on a cocktail napkin and hope that the burly, muscular, blonde guy sitting next to her is her cousin Bjorn from Copenhagen?

2. You’re sitting in a restaurant and an extremely unattractive woman smiles and winks at you. Do you:

a. wet your pants?

b. tell the waiter, “This order is to go”? Or,

c. send her the phone number of the burly, muscular, blonde guy from question #1?

3. You’re attracted to a woman at your office, but you’re afraid to actually ask her out in person, because you know the words will come out, “Would you like to harvesnard-ego-butt?” So, do you:

a. call her on the inner-office phone and tell her she’s just won a two-week stay in the lobby of the Pantageas Theater, but in order to collect her prize she must go out with you?

b. send her a note explaining that you only have three months to live? Or,

c. call the radio station she listens to and have the deejay dedicate a song in her honor and hope the deejay doesn’t play “Kind Of A Drag?”

4. You’re on a first date and you want to show her that you’re a spender by buying her a full seven-course dinner, popcorn, candy and soda at the movies, and ending the evening with a large Bigfoot pizza. Do you:

a. throw up?

b. offer to take her to a weigh station? Or,

c. show her all the disgusting noises you can make through every orifice in your body?

5. You’re standing at the altar, preparing to recite your wedding vows. Do you:

a. look at her mother and realize that in thirty years, that’s what your bride is going to look like?

b. forget the vows you have written for this special occasion and start reciting lyrics from an Eminem song? Or,

c. tell the priest and your bride-to-be that you have cramps and you will be right back.

6. Finally, you’re in your honeymoon suite and a night of passion awaits you. Do you:

a. wet your pants?

b. break out the Bible and look for a loophole? Or,

c. try and find a Three Stooges Festival on cable?

Needless to say, there are other elements involved in finding the perfect mate; sobriety comes to mind.

SCORES:

If you scored between three million and four million points, you are going to have no problem in finding the perfect mate. If you scored zero to one hundred points, you will only have marginal success in finding the perfect mate. If you scored below zero, you better stock up on dry pants.