Living on a boat is a lifestyle choice. Things that you take for granted on land take on a whole new meaning on the ocean.

Like the adage ‘bucket and chuck it’. No problem, I hear you say. Necessity is the mother of invention. Improvise! Except when I used the receptacle it had a split on the rim and when pressure was applied the split pinched and wouldn’t let go when I stood up. Not a pretty sight when you have a green nine litre bucket stuck to your derriere and the boat is rocking.

But some sayings hold true no matter where you are; if it’s rockin’ don’t come knockin’.

It was a balmy summer night with just a slight breeze when I cuddled up to my Captain and he suddenly jumped up,

“Oh My God, what was that?” We’ve been together nearly 20 years and he’d never asked that before. Then he started ripping the sheets and blanket off the bed. It was getting interesting, new, exciting!

“Jesus Christ,” he yelled, flaying around in the bed. Just go with the flow I said to myself. I thought my new perfume was more like a wonder drug. So animated, so boisterous, so alive.

“Hells bells,” he screamed, “Look at that,” he said pointing. I’d seen it before but I played the game.

“Oh, yes.”

“No, look,” he shouted, ripping the bed apart, and he got on his hands and knees.

I’m not a doctor, but I could see right away he had a problem. He was squirming around then jumped up and hit his head on the ceiling. Boat berths are built for sleeping not jumping on the bed.

It seems a sea bird dropped his dinner through our front hatch and the tiny little crustacean made himself at home between the sheets. What he latched onto can only be left up to the imagination.

I grabbed the mobile phone, not to call for help but for the torch [flashlight] facility.

“How do I get to it. Via menu or speed dial?”

His answer was to throw his head lamp at me.

“Bloody hell,” he wriggled into a position I remembered from giving birth and only a midwife should see.

“Hurry,” he screamed and I looked, feeling like a miner going down the pit.

It’s not something to talk about in polite company. Not the conversation opener I’d imagine would go down well with sundowners on the deck of the yacht.

“Oh, did you know. My husband has crabs.”

Needless to say I have to administer the ointment three times a day. Like I said, sometimes you have to improvise.