First, an apology: An outpouring of grief has no place as a humor contest entry. I need, however, an audience for my sorrow. Please hear me out.

A death is never pleasant. This one hit me especially hard. The loss created an empty space in my life but because of the circumstances of the relationship we shared, I cannot turn to my family, my preacher or even my closest friends for solace. I have an ache and it will not go away. I thought maybe that if I turned my jumbled thoughts into words, there might begin a recovery of sorts.

“Mariah”. An old fashioned name but it fit her well. We met on Christmas Day in 2005. Up to that point, I thought mine was a pretty good life. I had a wife and children that loved me, many friends, a good job, a comfortable home…and not a clue that there was a lacking in my world…a void that needed to be filled. December 25, 2005 was the day my life began to change. We were actually introduced by my wife. The irony of that fact is that Mariah would soon satisfy certain needs which I, as one long married, assumed would never again be met. For a time, the relationship between Mariah and me remained arm’s length. No connection. No electricity. Nothing that signaled what we were to become. The first time we spent any real time together, there was no warmth. There was, however, a feeling, a buzz if you will, something that told me that there could be more to this thing than I had initially expected. Our love…well, my love, blossomed. Mariah quickly became the one I turned to when, after a long day, I needed a gentle touch. Weeks would go by and no words were spoken between us. But I knew she was there…always…waiting for my attention.

The periodic rendezvous were a glimpse of heaven. Physical closeness was only a part of what we shared. Mariah seemed to sense my needs, my wants, my desires, and she satisfied them as if it was her earthly purpose. Ours was not a relationship without problems. I knew how to push her buttons. I was jealous of her time so the arrangement often kept her boxed-in. Sometimes I took her for granted. As the years passed, turning her on required a little more work. But Mariah…my Mariah… never complained.

Mariah died earlier this week. Peacefully. No one mourns her but me. There have been no tears. Just this ache. I can’t bring myself to think about replacing her. $99.50 is just too much to pay for another chair massage pad.