Ever since the movie The Bucket List came out it seems that everyone and their grandma feels the need to have one. I don’t have anything on my bucket list. Maybe it’s just pure cynicism. I mean, how many of these bucket list people are really jumping out of planes, crashing weddings and running with the bulls in Pamplona? Maybe I’m the ultimate optimist. I don’t plan on dying. I haven’t figured out how to keep it from happening yet, but when I do I’ll be sure to create a No-Die app for the phones and tablets of those who are too busy swimming with dolphins, cliff diving and visiting the Taj Mahal. And although I am not a bucket list person, I’m definitely a flipside bucket list person. Meaning I have a list of things I do NOT want to do before I die, and here it is for your reading pleasure… or cause for concern.

Fight a Canadian – Canadians are tricky. For centuries they have lulled the rest of the world into a false sense of security. I used to think that if I made a Canadian mad they would simply take a deep breath, say “sorry, eh”, shake my hand and walk away. Then the Vancouver riots happened. Boy when those Canucks go off, they really go off. And that was just over a hockey game. Imagine if you said something about their mother (aka England). I now look at Canadians like they are straight out of Compton. Perhaps the best way to avoid fighting a Canadian is to avoid hockey talk all together. I can’t picture them losing it like that over maple syrup or their bacon.

Appear in a Reality Show – Maybe if it were a contest based show where I could walk away with a million dollars I would be willing to risk the possibility of eternal public shame, but other than that, no thanks. I’m not overly worried about this one. I’m educated. I tend to keep my clothes on when cameras are around. I don’t have a drinking problem. Nor do I bake cupcakes for a living. These things alone should keep me out of the running for 90% of reality TV shows.

Read the Ingredients of Slim Jims – Do I really need to explain this one? I like Slim Jims and I’d like to keep liking them.

Get a Tattoo on My Face – I’m not so much concerned with what people would think of me if I had a tattoo on my face. I’m concerned that I would never get away with anything!

“Did you get a good look at the robber?”

“No, but she had a tattoo on her face.”

“Who cut you off and ran you off the road?”

“The woman with the tattoo on her face!”

You might as well be the one-armed man in The Fugitive.

Now I don’t want you to think I plan on living a life of crime, but when you plan on living forever you may have to knock over a liquor store or steal a cop car every now and then just to remind yourself you’re alive.

Be in a Duel – I’m not even sure if duels happen anymore, but if they do, I want no part in them. I’m not very coordinated at dawn (prime dueling hours), so my chances of winning one are already pretty low. And if I believe everything movies have taught me, which I do, the French are duel-happy. Now I don’t live near France, but French-Canadians (aka French-Lites) are within striking distance. Again, you have to be careful with Canadians.

That’s my list. Yeah, it’s short. And I know you’re thinking that there’s only about a 98% chance of any of these things happening, but I’m working towards a hundred. And if my research into everlasting life stalls, I will forge ahead with my new business endeavor to help you fulfill your bucket list. That’s right, whether you want to wrestle an alligator, go hang gliding, learn a new language, or compete in a marathon you can do it all here at Bucket List Playland. Located on the summit of Mount Everest. We guarantee you’ll be able to check at least one thing off your list! Great Wall of China location coming soon.