I really wish you would turn this nonsense down.
It’s time for my nap and you’re sitting here in your muumuu, watching the little Jesus people on the T.V. Let me in here. Stop hogging the chair. Let me in. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Let me in. I know you feel my paw. Okay, I’ll let a little claw out. Now, you felt it. I tried to play nice. Okay, now you’re looking at me, but you’re not letting me in.
Yes, she’s raising her hands to Jesus again. Perfect, now I’m in. Now pet me, come on, on my head. Yes. Ah, head rubbing, my favorite. I don’t mind listening to the Jesus people if you rub my head. I can sleep through all the hallelujahs. Wait, what was that? Oh, nothing. What? No, don’t stop, I was just checking the noise. Yes, put your hand back on my head. Oh, right there, yes, there, oh that’s it. This is the life. Amen. I’ll say it with you this time Alice and the yelling couple on the box, AMEN!
Staring at them is making me feel like I have to cough up a fur ball. Are those spiders coming out of her eyes? I wouldn’t trust any human that smiles that much. Gross. I bet she has like 20 cats. Alice, don’t ever get anymore cats. Do you hear me? I’m the only one you’re allowed to have. I would forfeit all of my nine lives to live just this one alone. All I need is for you to get me the fancy food out of the can. Did you hear that? Hey! Why did you stop? What? Oh, you’re copying them by putting your head down, praying to Jesus again. Amen. Okay, they’re done, now put your hand back on my head.
What was that? No, don’t get up, that wasn’t anything. It was me. I knocked something over. Don’t go to the door. Why?! Let’s pretend we’re not home! I hear kids! No, I thought I got rid of them! I know, I’ll pray to this Jesus! Alice thanked Jesus yesterday when she found an extra cigarette in the middle of the night. If he can do that, maybe he can make these two little nightmares disappear,so I can rest in my own house. Okay, I’ll ask nicely first and put my head down. Jesus, please stop her from answering the door. Amen.
She’s at the door, let’s see if Jesus works. Okay, she’s peeking through the door with the chain still on it. I see little feet moving around. Jesus hates me! I’m so upset my hair is standing up!
Okay, Pudd, calm down. It may be a false alarm. Maybe they are just dropping off some food, some milk, how about it Jesus? I still have faith in you. The chain is coming off and the little feet are stepping in! No! What are those little brats doing here?! Here comes the bossy daughter turning off the T.V. Alice, you shouldn’t let her scold you. You can give your money to whomever you choose. Here they come. They’re little, so I have to keep a close eye on them. I have to stare the little ones down and stalk them, otherwise they will get me. The one with the curls is coming towards me…hssssssss!!!! Don’t mess with Pudd! I am the king of this castle. Good, the one with curls is crying.
Ouch, Alice! You’re grabbing me by my neck, so I can’t defend myself! This is humiliating! Hey, don’t talk sweet to me when you have me in this vulnerable position. Why are we going into the bathroom? Oh, do you want to make a plan together on how to get rid of them for good? I love you too! I love it when you talk sweet to me. Now I’m on the bathroom floor. Okay, get down with me, let’s huddle, talk to me. What’s your game plan? Wait, where are you going? Why are you shutting the door? Why am I locked in the bathroom with my kitty litter? You forgot to clean it today. Yuck! Hello? Is she coming back?
Oh my god! Jesus had Alice betray me! Now I’m not playing nice anymore, Jesus. Looks like I’ll be doing some teeth sharpening tonight on some T.V. cords. You can tell your spider- faced messenger to kiss this money train goodbye.