My speech today is about the challenges facing today’s budding humor writers. It’s also only about 750 words long, so there will be no need for any impatient coughing from the audience. What else is it? Actually it could be used as a tutorial to help you win a prize for some kind of humor writing contest.

Today’s humorist labors under onerous conditions and restrictions not experienced by the cutups of yesteryear. (Actually, it was just yesteryear when I thought of this.)

“And what are those conditions and restrictions?” you may well ask. Go ahead.

There are too many land mines out there which humorists have to avoid nowadays. Too many sacred cows you can’t tip over anymore.

For instance, just when did orphans and poor people become off limits? I’m sure that many of them can afford to have at least a sense of humor, but still, for reasons that elude me, it seems we now have to steer clear of them.

“Well, what about making fun of rich people,” another question you again may well ask—but don’t push it.

The pampered stars of the silver screen, the gridiron, the stump, the pulpit, the boardroom, and the ipod would seem to be fitting targets for japes, digs, bon mots, and knee slappers, but when you look closely at the tragic lives many of these Appletini besotted; paparazzi teasing; snorting, smoking, sniffing, sneezing, and popping rehabituates, holding them up to ridicule would be like shooting fish in a barrel (now that is a hoot). And we seem to be misguided as to how wealthy these folks are; apparently from what the photos tell us, most of the women can’t even afford underwear.

Of course, ethnicity is not funny; it’s also not pronounceable. Say it ten times fatht. (Then try “toy boats.” Boy, that was fun.) That whole area of making fun of any group perceived as different, is verboten. (Using foreign words is extremely funny. Trust me.)

Also, gender bashing is now out. That is, unless you’re a woman—you can demean men—we’re used to it.

Anyway, it seems like the only ones left to make fun of safely are you and I. You? Don’t make me laugh. And, there’s certainly nothing funny about me, a fact I will continue proving throughout this piece.

So what could you write about that would be a humorous topic that hasn’t been done or done well, making it rare indeed? Something readers could identify with, wrap their eyes around. Here are some of the things you can write about: The internet; social media; going to the dentist; using cell phones while driving—sure, some of these have been written about over, and over, but the world is waiting for your particular take on these subjects.

Well, my secret to having won this competition (here, I’m using the future improbable tense) was to venture into virgin territory. You can think up a unique topic for laughter, too. Just off the top of my head (and a little off the sides, please), here’s a topic for you. Write about how hilarious it is to be in a nursing home and about all the laughable errors that occur.

Now as to style, who to emulate (rip off) without anybody catching on? I remember showing one of my essays, chock full of belly laughs, to all of my friends, and being profoundly embarrassed when all three scornfully, joyfully, and correctly accused me of plagiarizing Laurence Sterne’s Tristram Shandy. I had figured that none of them would have bothered reading a book published in 1759. I thought I had picked my friends more carefully, and had taken the appropriate steps to cull out anybody whose reading ability was above the third grade level.

See what’s popular and jump right on the bandwagon. Come up with your own spin on things like “Top Ten List,” “New Rules,” “What’s the deal with…,” or “You know you’re a hypochondriac, when….” Wait, that last bit could be pretty funny; step off, I’m claiming it. You’ll notice that they’re all available to you on TV—you don’t even have to crack a book to adapt (steal) these concepts.

In conclusion (sounds of coughing subsiding, replaced by the sounds of chairs scraping hopefully), read any entry, especially mine, and bolster your confidence by saying, “Heck I can write funnier than that. Way funnier!”

Go for it. Make me proud.