YOUR INBOX
FROM: Me
TO: Long list of names that you don’t know, much less care about.

SUBJECT: IMPORTANT. THESE ARE REAL TIPS THAT WILL SAVE YOU FROM LOSING ALL YOUR MONEY. SOME MAY SAVE LIVES! YOU WILL THANK ME. PROBABLY PROFUSELY.

These are really important. Pass them on to everyone you know however slightly. I did.

Tip 1. If someone calls you and says they’re an old friend of the family and need you to take all your money out of your savings account and give it to them, DON’T DO IT. There is a possibility that this just might be a scam. You can check it out with your local police department. They’re actually looking forward to your call. There’s nothing like a good laugh to get the station house through a long shift.

Tip 2. When walking your children to school, make sure you stop at the curb and LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE YOU CROSS. This is no joke. It has been documented as a wonderful way to increase safety. Also, make sure you tell the children to do this, even when you’re not around. And here is another one that may surprise you, but it works—tell the kids to observe the walk and don’t walk signs on a traffic light. They really help! (Isn’t the internet a useful tool?)

Tip 3. EXTREME END OF THE WORLD VIRUS ALERT.
This one will destroy your computer and kill all your house plants. Do not open any email for the next two weeks–you shouldn’t have even opened this one. What’s wrong with you?

Tip 4. PROTECT YOUR IDENTITY. Apparently this scam is going around again. You get a phone call and someone asks if you are so and so. If you say you are, you’re toast. Now they have your identity and will do unspeakable things with it. So long, it’s been good to know you. Or who you claim to be.

(How do I know it’s you, and what are you reading someone else’s email for, anyway?)

Always give somebody else’s name, preferably somebody you don’t like. Let them have their identity stolen. And according to what you think about that person, it wasn’t much of one anyway.

TIP 5. PROTECT YOUR SANITY
Stop reading drivel like this. Just because it’s on the internet and it’s being sent (rather, forwarded) to you by someone you know, doesn’t mean it’s not a waste of your time. Don’t you have better ways to waste your time? No? According to my friends and relatives, I have thousands of ways. Or somebody else does. I’ll just hit “forward” whenever anything crosses my screen, not even bothering to read what I’m sending on to you. This is to save valuable time— mine, not yours. You see, like so many of your other benighted friends, I find it infinitely easier to hit the “forward” button rather than that big, bad, scary old “delete” button.

Forwarding, otherwise known as “Doing unto others,” is the ultimate revenge.

Pass it on.