Mrs. Toodle, I have no idea why you pass so much gas. If I had a remedy for that, I’d be using it myself and it might have saved my first marriage.

I’m going to prescribe a more expensive medication Drug A rather than the comparable but much cheaper generic Drug X. I met the new rep for Drug A in the break room last week. She is gorgeous and I couldn’t stop looking at her cleavage. I promised her I would write some prescriptions for Drug A.

Mr. Pollock I know the medical assistant told you to undress but please put your socks back on. When I entered the room, the bad smell that accosted my nostrils reminded me of the dead mouse that decomposed in our basement last year but I now realize the odor is coming from your feet.

I’m sorry I had to leave the examining room to when my cell phone rang. No it wasn’t the emergency department; it was my wife who just told me that she bought the most expensive dining room table in the store. I told her that somehow I would find a way to pay for it.

I’m going to prescribe the more expensive Drug A rather than the comparable but much cheaper generic Drug X. The pharmaceutical company that manufactures Drug A has hired me as a consultant and they pay me a one thousand dollar honorarium with all expenses paid to lovely resorts in the Caribbean where I extol the virtues of this medication to other doctors. I don’t see this is a conflict of interest.

I’m sorry I had to leave the examining room when my cell phone rang. No it wasn’t the emergency department; it was one of my golf buddies informing me of the tee time for tomorrow afternoon.

Mrs. Green, your husband suffered a serious complication in the operating room. I certainly didn’t bring my “A” game today, probably related to lack of sleep from watching the extra inning ball game last night, but this complication can occur even on my best days.

Mr. Diamond, I’m dismayed to hear that you have declared bankruptcy because of your astronomical medical bills and I regret that you can’t obtain insurance due to preexisting medical conditions; but look on the bright side. You’re a great example of “letting the marketplace work”. If universal health care was implemented, you wouldn’t be broke and would have insurance coverage but you would be extremely disappointed because the government would be involved in making your health care decisions.

I would highly recommend the Acme knee replacement. I am a world authority on the insertion of this prosthesis and I have written three scientific articles on the stellar results that I have achieved; actually the Acme Company wrote those papers and I just signed my name to them. I am also paid by the company as a consultant but that’s for the hip joint not the knee joint so it’s not a conflict of interest.

I know I look tired and somewhat disheveled this morning and it’s not because I was performing surgery last night. My wife and I had one doozy of an argument during dinner and I drank a pint of whiskey before going to bed.

I apologize for being late this afternoon but it’s not what you think. I wasn’t delayed in the hospital tending to a critically ill patient; I was in the break room having lunch with a new drug rep who is absolutely gorgeous.

Mrs. Wise, I’m sorry I had to leave when my cell phone rang. My medical assistant has strict instructions to call me after I have been in the examining room with you for more than fifteen minutes. This allows me to take a couple of Alka-Seltzer tablets before I have to listen to any more of your senseless prattle.

I want you to know Mr. Ryan that I am absolutely against Obamacare. The physicians at my hospital have already felt the pinch of decreased reimbursements. At one time there were Maserati’s and Mercedes in the doctors’ parking lot but now I see only the cheaper BMW and Lexus models.

To be perfectly honest, Mrs. Bottomley, I lost my concentration while you were describing your voluminous flatulence and my mind started to wander to the Hindenburg crash of 1937.