Surely, I’m not the only person who’s been logging overtime in the cyber torture chamber of not remembering computer passwords. Early on I came up with a standard password that I could take to the grave or, more likely, to the cookie jar that would hold my ashes. Four favorite numbers became my PIN at the bank, and names of dead pets served as computer passwords. Short and reliable, like your basic LBD (little black dress). Actually, in my case LBD stood for Loose Bra Discomfort. You know how the damned elastic always wears out.

At some point, websites morphed into fussy old biddies that rated our passwords, and whined for longer, complex combinations. Jeez, nothing is ever good enough for them anymore! Like we really need yet another self-esteem issue!?! Apparently, simplicity went belly up, and truth was downright stupid. No more DonnaJonesSSN123-45-6789 or ILiveAlone5635Main. Dang. Then some sites began to spit out automated ones for us. The Library of Congress gave me Yk117uu48M3, and for days I wept with gratitude for my government’s thoughtfulness. Forgetting one’s psych meds will do that to ya. Of course, I forgot to write down that linguistic trainwreck of a password and was later totally screwed. But in a flash of cognitive brilliance, I recommended it to my pregnant niece who was researching names. In September we’ll welcome little Yk117uu48M3 into the family!

For passwords we can remember, I say let’s drag out the party hats and have a rippin’ good time. On governmental websites, try hackerforeverhaha. I’ve also had marvelous results with Hostage!HelpMe! Both of these are easy to remember, and later it’s gratifying to see one’s tax dollars at work when being escorted from a holding cell to the courtroom. Tell me the truth, does orange make me look fat?

Lonely? Aw, honey, you can expand your social landscape with something like witnessprotectioncase#21539. Odds are good that eventually beefy strangers in shiny suits will show up, and thankee Spanky it will be a night to remember.

If online dating feels debasing and desperate, which of course it is, boost your ego by registering with a password like mantrappedinAJoliebody. Or, just for kicks, brighten the day of your cell phone tech support with BuyVibratorBatteries. Yes, thinking of others is my spiritual calling.

In closing, we commonly hear that confession is good for the soul. With that in mind, by all means change a couple of your passwords to iDidCheatOnYou and URfatinOrange. It’s way cheaper than therapy.