I have recently heard of a new product hoping to cash in on the $50 billion that we spend on pets each year. By we, I mean the entire country, not just my wife and I; although we are responsible for a sizable chunk of that. It is called – and I’m not kidding – Bowser Beer. Now, man’s best friend can also be man’s best drinking buddy.

The brew contains malt barley, natural flavorings, and is fortified with vitamins and protein. Hops are not included, because they can be toxic to dogs (Note to self: if hops are toxic to dogs, why are we humans consuming them? And just what are hops anyway?). The concoction comes in varieties like Cock A Doodle Brew and Beefy Brown Ale. I’m hoping there is also a Bowser Lite, since my loyal hound dog Zelda is already a little overweight and I don’t want her developing a beer gut.

I guess pooches will have to be about two and three quarter years old to imbibe. That works out to be around twenty one in dog years.

Bowser Beer could create issues for dog owners. I for one really don’t want to behold my Zelda, after a few too many, cavorting around with a lampshade on her head, slurring her barks.

I can see it now. Before long she will be inviting her buddies over for nights of drinking, smoking cigars, and playing poker, just like those infamous canine paintings. I can picture myself answering the door, and finding a deliveryman asking if this is the place that ordered the four large “pupperoni” pizzas with side orders of Liva Snaps.

Since the party animals will be lapping up lots of malt beverages, I’ll have to constantly be at the door, to accommodate them when they “gotta go out” (Remember, you don’t buy beer, you rent it!). If Zelda has her pals over during a certain night of the month, I’ll probably get a visit from the local police, responding to noise complaints about a bunch of snookered dogs howling at the moon.

There will also be the dilemma of dogs that don’t know when to quit, and start growling at us when we try to cut them off. A support group will need to be established for these, maybe something like Poochaholics Anonymous

“Hi, my name is Spike, and I’m a poochaholic.”

“HI, SPIKE!”

There are certain kinds of dogs that should definitely stay off the sauce. If you have a dog that herds sheep, you don’t want it to start seeing double after tipping a few cold ones and bringing back only half your flock. Show dogs could be a problem too, who might take to drowning their sorrows about losing an event with a six pack. How about seeing eye dogs indulging? Wouldn’t be a pretty sight.

Food for thought: If your dog has fleas while drinking this stuff, will the fleas catch a buzz too?

I have an idea to expand the concept of Bowser Beer. I will introduce a line of fine wines for dogs. After all, can you picture a French Poodle or a Bedlington Terrier chugging down suds? No. They need something more refined, more cultured; like Canine Cabernet, Poochie Port, or even Mutt Merlot. I will also produce an inexpensive wine for dogs who don’t have a lot of um, scratch, called Mad Master 20/20.

Remember folks, you heard it here first.