Do I look like an overblown, gaseous mess of a promotional billboard? I am not a blimp. The reference is absurd, illogical, and most politically derogatory, nonetheless, hurtful.

Blimps are enormous aerial devices. You won’t catch me floating over the Super Bowl stadium anytime soon. Nope. This lean body will fall in a tailspin straight toward the 50 yard line. After my abstract splattering, the maintenance crew would have to scrape me off the grass before play can begin. The football commissioner would charge my beneficiary an absurd amount of money for wardrobe malfunction, and my fifteen minutes of fame are used up in six. I am not a blimp.

It is a misconception that blimps are full of hot air. Sure I talk too much, cut people off in the middle of their sentence, and know my thought is far more important than anyone else’s, but full of hot air, is just an extreme exaggeration. Maybe it’s more appropriate to say that my warm breath is heaven sent from the Deities themselves, and a blimp is merely my muse. Let’s get the facts right; blimps are made up of hydrogen, not hot air.

I am not a big ball of gaseous fumes. Well… that depends on what I eat. Brussel sprouts will make anyone gassy. Other foods like crackers, eggs, and almonds, sometimes make me bloated. I started keeping a food journal of everything I eat, and created a gassy chart, 1-5, of the level of gassiness. My journal was full of gas, but I’m not a blimp.

I don’t eat like a blimp. Maybe more like a bird, or even a rabbit. I have mastered twenty four different culinary techniques to cut vegetables for my bed of romaine lettuce. Green peppers for vitamin A, and zucchini, both chopped and julienned. Grampa used to always tell me that carrots put hair on my chest. Of course, he also told me to pick him a square one, which was a reference to boogers. Wait, I’m getting off track. Where was I? Yes, blimps don’t eat mammals. Cherry tomatoes, grape tomatoes, beef, and roma tomatoes.

Bottom line, I eat boring, which is healthy, so quit calling me a blimp. If you’re going to talk smack about my blimpiness, you’d better get your facts straight… But that’s a whole other story.