I’m pretty jazzed about my upcoming book tour. I’ve never had one before, but I’ve read lots of accounts of various authors’ book tours, so I feel totally prepared for the madcap ups and the monotonous downs.

Tour dates? Well, none firmed up as yet. You see, although I believe in planning way ahead, the wayer the better; I realize that the dates are at the mercy of the publisher who might wish to create a buzz around the release date.

The publisher? Well I haven’t chosen one yet. Who does my agent want? Well, my book isn’t quite finished, so I’m still auditioning agents to find the one that would be a right fit.

Started? Of course I’ve started. I said I’ve already been planning the book tour. See, planning is the key to success in the “Word Biz,” as we author types refer to writing and publishing.

First of all, I’m thinking beyond the book itself to my eventual goal.

Oh, it’s untold wealth and fame. And you know what’s going to make that happen? Correct, the movie. Not just movie, mind you, movies. You get a couple of sequels under your belt, and you’ve got a series—better yet, a Franchise!

(Here’s a little insider tip—I’m planning on getting the book illustrated, thereby cutting down on the number of pages I’ll actually have to write.)

And, I figure I only have to write three books at most, because Hollywood has taken to making multiple movies out of a single book; so, three books, nine movies. And three books are all I need in order to sell boxed sets at Christmas.

You might suppose just writing a book with an eventual movie adaptation in mind is all I have to think about, right?

No—two words. “Action Figures.” That means I’ll have to throw in a super hero or two.

Of course, I can’t pick the genre until I analyze the current literary scene. Hopefully, I can span several categories; I’m leaning toward a mystery/fantasy/historical fiction series. And, it will also be a Young Adult book—for two reasons:

I. I want to reach out and nurture young minds the world over.

II. That’s where the money is.

What’s that? Plotting? Setting? Point of View? Voice? What the hell do they have to do with a successful book?

Now, there’s still the all-important book tour to get through.

If there’s more than the usual 16 ½ book tour attendees, I know I will see a hastily thrown together assortment of folding chairs, camp stools, recliners, lawn & beach chairs—and I swear I saw a hammock once.

Now I know I’ll have to undergo command performances at various literary teas, cocktail parties, and suchlike, thrown in my honor in the various cities that will dot the map on my First Nationwide Tour.

In these more intimate surroundings, I can’t get away with just talking about my book, although I’m fully prepared for the usual readers’ questions. I’ve asked them of authors myself:

“Where do you get your ideas?”

“How much did you make off your last book?”

But when I’m amongst the smart set, I’ll have to pretend to be smart too. No problemo. I’ve taken great pains (nobody said being a writer was easy) to learn how to carry off with sang froid how to appear to be au courant.

See, I studied up, and can now drop French phrases into my otherwise banal drivel, putting me right up there as a fellow member of the crème de la crème. Well, I didn’t exactly study the language. French is hard. I simply got a book of French phrases and memorized a number of these to help me carry off this canard.

There is one more thing—the actual title of my book. What do you mean, “Finally, you’re on the right track?” Obviously I have to think of a title for pitching purposes, one that will lead to the oh-so-essential fast food tie-in with the movie. So instead of “Murder at the Book Club,” I could call it, “A Whopper of a Murder at the Book Club,” or, keeping all options open, “One Less Happy Meal.”

Just a few more things to get in place and I’m on my way to the top of the New York Times Best Seller List.

What’s that? Oh, the actual writing?

Well, I would imagine the book should just about write itself, n’est-ce pas?