This country is petrified of aging. So petrified and worried, it can actually makes us age faster. And those cute corny comments and phrases you hear, especially on birthday cards, don’t help. Like ‘You’re only as old as you feel.’ Sure, when you lose your hair and teeth, wear a diaper and start babbling and drooling, you do feel younger. Like a 6 month old toddler.

Nowadays, the most powerful weapon we have in our anti-aging arsenal is cosmetic surgery. At one time it was a luxury of the rich and famous. Now everyone’s doing it. Last week I saw a homeless guy on the street. As I approached him to drop a buck in his cup I noticed the sign he held. It said ‘Having my eyes done.’

That’s why there are 60,000 practically giddy surgeons performing these procedures in the U.S. of A. ‘A’ standing for anti-aging. It’s a number that includes doctors and even non-physicians who are actually practicing in other fields. I kid you not. You know, they kind of work on re-doing your face and body on the side. I know my barber works nights as a security guard. Maybe some cosmetic surgery enthusiasts have a moonlighting furniture salesman working on them. He can certainly put you in a comfy lounge chair as he works on you.

It’s amazing the pain, suffering and possible disfigurement some of us go through to look younger. Given the choice between disfigurement and looking your age, many of us will opt for disfigurement. In some cases, patients even come out looking like someone else.

Seriously, they have a new face altogether. Which is only good if you’re in the witness protection program. There’s the possibility you’ll come out looking like Frankenstein .

Unless of course, Mel Brooks is making a sequel to his famous monster movie and casting you in the lead.

You’ve probably heard of The Cat Woman. She had so many surgical procedures she wound up looking like a feline. Imagine having to be constantly fearful and alert for dog attacks.

Here’s something interesting if not troubling. Of all the cosmetic surgeons I’ve seen on TV, in magazines and in person, I rarely if ever have seen one that appears to have had this surgery. Therefore I am left with two possible conclusions. Either they face (pun intended) the fact that the odds are not with them so they don’t take the risk, or they do a much better job on each other than they do on the general public.

Often, many age-fearing folks start small. A little work around the eyes. So now they have younger looking winkers but an older appearing mouth. So they have a bit more done around the lips. Oh…oh, younger looking eyes and mouth but it shows up the wrinkled brow. It’s like making a patchwork quilt.

Have you ever seen someone after cosmetic surgery. Their eyes can be blackened, their face swollen, red and raw causing a good deal of pain. They can’t go in the sun for weeks. Sort of like a vampire. A friend of mine had this done so she never left her home and slept in a casket for three weeks. Besides, what’s the sense of looking like you’ve been in a bar fight. Although when you think of it, if all of this is done to make you appear younger, it could make you look like be a young bar hopper.

Lately, one of the areas above the shoulders that’s getting attention is the neck. Our youth pursuers are worrying that they’re developing a rooster or turkey neck. Some are even a bit leery around Thanksgiving time. Since this neck work costs thousands, you could say the cosmetic surgeons have them by the throat.

Now some people use the terminologies cosmetic surgery and plastic surgery as interchangeable. The difference between the two is that while cosmetic surgery is aesthetic in nature, plastic surgery involves repair and reconstruction of various medical problems. Actually the terms should be reversed. After all, it’s the cosmetic surgery that that can leave a patient’s face looking plastic-like. Simply stroll along Rodeo Drive some day. You’ll think you’re in the wax museum.

This cosmetic surgery epidemic will continue to grow well into the future. We haven’t even discussed other body parts being enhanced. I’m sure the ear lobes and pinky toe are candidates.

Hope this piece makes you laugh. If you can.