Have you, like me, wondered about the disclaimer statements at the beginning or end of radio and television ads? The statement is read so fast as to be unintelligible. Do people really have the talent or ability to speak that fast or is the statement electronically enhanced?

What is the purpose of these disclaimer statements? Basically disclaimers are to clarify statements in the ad and state legal points applicable to the body of the ad. Disclaimers are the small print for the implied contract set forth in the ad itself. Since we are constantly admonished to read the small print before acting upon a contract, is it wise to act upon an ad, an implied contract, without being able to know the fine print?

What follows is a fictional disclaimer for a fictional supermarket ad. Since this a humor essay, do not assume that I am poking fun at any real store, store chain, or any other business living or dead; real or imagined.

All quoted prices applicable at all stores except Central City, Up Town, Down Town, In Town and Out of Town. Duck brand Graham Quackers is the trademark of Dingle Bakeries and have no connection to Daffy, Donald, Daisy, Huey, Dewy, Louie or any other duck living or dead; real or imagined.

Newfoundland Pee Soup is made by Cannibal Soup. Any connection with any other soup or soup company, living or dead; real or imagined is a fig newton of your imagination. Fig newton used in this context is a middle finger of speech and should not be confused with any cookie or cookie manufacturer living or dead; real or imagined. Middle finger of speech used in this context is a pun and is not meant to represent any rude, crude, lewd, obscene or any other gesture living or dead; real or imagined.

The meat of the Manx cat is to be sold only in the two weeks leading up to the Chinese holidays. All such meat is from genuine Manx cats imported from Asia. Manx is a particular breed of Asian tailless cat and not to be confused with Tom, Jerry, Felix, Garfield or any other cat living or dead; real or imagined.

Holy cow this stuff is good! The previous sentence is not to imply a holy superiority or any religious connection to cows. Cows are the female of the species of animal known as bovine. The expression, “holy cow,” has no reference to Elsie, Bossy or any other cow, bull or any other bovine animal living or dead; real or imagined.

If I add any more I’ll run off the page and my time is run out. Have a good morning, day or night or any other time of day living or dead; real or imagined.