1.) First and foremost all dogs who live in a household with humans are orphans. They are all Oliver Twist, “asking for more.” They stay positive, whether they are yearning for more food, more time to play or just willing to sniff everything and anything just to have a good time. Just because these canines are all orphans, they do not end up with self- loathing tendencies that a lot of human orphans develop. They do not become substance abusers, convicted felons or unwanted creeps (in fact the creepier a dog is, the better.) They don’t sit and whine and make excuses because they will never see mommy and daddy ever again. They move on with their lives and make the best of their adoption circumstances. Walk on all fours, eat a little poop and stay positive!
2.) Many bachelors go out and buy a puppy to aid them with picking up chicks. I know many young single men who have done this and yes, I have done it as well. You take this new, cute, cuddly orphan out for a walk, maybe to the park or around a college campus and expect to score with the ladies. So it’s you and this little puppy (in my case a male puppy) out on the prowl, seeing if the ladies come running like yolk, on eggs over easy. What you (the human) don’t realize is that the puppy is not your wing man, in fact, you’re the puppy’s wing man. In most circumstances, you’re not getting “any” unless your puppy is named George Clooney. Most of the time the puppy will get all the action; licking face, and getting a nice rub down. Face it, the puppy scores and you’re left in the dust.
3.) Do you own the dog, or the does the dog own you? In my experience, the dog poops where it wants, when it wants and you clean it up. Yes, you take out your little baggie, (as you’ve turn into a weird baggie hoarder) bend your little legs and grab a fist full of feces. What else would opposable thumbs be used for? The dog sits back, and snickers trying to communicate to you that you missed a spot and thinking how incompetent you are at picking up this glorious treasure. You should be so lucky to pick up something that only royalty would bestow.
4.) Dogs can get away with being naked. It’s a known fact that in most states in the United States dogs do not get arrested for walking around “in the buff.” Yes, you are part of the human race that created cloths and laws. So now you, the human, must abide by these laws as you must cloth yourself when entering any public atmosphere. No, you may not walk around and feel the crisp air edging against your skin, as dogs do. Why? Because humans decided a long time ago that being naked is embarrassing and there is a sense of protecting the innocence of human beings when wearing outer garments. I guess dogs believe that clothing is a form of false idolization. Dogs don’t have to worry about religion anyway, they’ve realized that all dogs go to heaven. Dogs are so worldly as well as Godly.
5.) Dogs do not worry about dieting and how their appetite for food might affect their weight. Humans spend most of their life worrying about appearances, trends and body type. Have you ever wondered why dogs are always in a good mood? This is because they strut their naked stuff around the house like they own the place, and they don’t even have a job! You work for them! Dogs walk around with such confidence because they don’t worry if their two thighs are touching each other when wearing a bathing suit. They don’t worry about double chins or fat fingers. They don’t have a care in the world as they tackle you, knocking over the pie of pizza, and indulging while you yell at them in anger. In fact, they are in dismay and wonder why you worry so much about their weight. If they are comfortable with the way they look, why can’t you be?