Nurse: Briefly describe your pain.

Me: Ouch.

Nurse: On a scale from 1 to 10, how would you rate your pain?

Me: I dunno…where’s your scale?

Nurse: No, no sir, on a scale…

Me: Okay! 180 butt-naked.

Nurse: When was the last time you had a physical exam?

Me: Well, me and this lady went out the other night…

Nurse: N-not what I… We’ll need a stool sample.

Me: YOUR stool or my stool? We’ll need a saw.

Nurse: Wh…We’ll need to do some lab work.

Me: I understand, short-handed tonight, are we?

Nurse: Pfft!..Do you have a history of suicide?

Me: Umm…

Nurse: N-never…are you having trouble urinating?

Me: Just a sec, nope, no problem here.

Nurse: Oh crap!

Me: Just a sec, nope, no problem there either.

Nurse: Son of a…How many fingers am I holding up??

Me: Aha! One in the middle and four bent ones, right?

Nurse: I swear to G… Sign this freekin’ admittance form!!

Me: Uh-UH! I deny EVERYTHING

Nurse: (Sigh) Are you allergic to anything?

Me: Hospitals..