At 92, I am still the consummate procrastinator. I haven’t checked off anything on my bucket list, but, if you’ll pardon me for saying, my “F – It” list is growing.

Why do today what you can put off ‘til tomorrow?

That’s always been my motto, but now I’ve reached the point in life were there are a diminishing number of tomorrows. There’s no more time for a bucket list. A pail list will have to do.

Heck, my lumbago is acting up. I can’t see or hear. My legs are going numb from poor circulation. I have arthritis and constitution problems. I am just thankful I’ve still got my Florida driver’s license so I can get started checking items off the list.

Ok, here’s my pail list:

Go to a NASCAR race. I am in a hurry to check things off the list so I can’t afford to stay for a full race. The first lap should do it. How many left turns do you need to see to appreciate a race? Anyway, then I can head to the infield and drink beer.

Walk the Appalachian Trail. I think I can manage the width of the Appalachian Trail. It shouldn’t take that long at my age – 20 minutes max.

Run a Marathon. That might be a tough one, the width of the Appalachian Trail will be an accomplishment, a Marathon! Well, I can get a T-Shirt that says I Ran….. the Miami Marathon and then in small print after I ran, a beer booth at, The Miami Marathon. A tee shirt is a tee shirt. Plus, this will give me a chance to drink beer and see fit people run around town in their underwear.

Go to the Holy Land – the Holy Land Amusement Park in Florida. Just blindfold me and take me on a long car ride beforehand and I’ll think I am in the real Holy Land. Don’t confuse me with the fact that driving to the real Holy Land would be rather difficult.

Climb Mt. Everest. I’ll climb the stairs at the Mt. Everest ski and surf shop and grab another tee shirt. One more item will be checked off the ole pail list (which is rapidly becoming a jar list).

Go see a Broadway play. Mark that off. Broadway hasn’t done anything original since the Wizard of Oz. Wait, isn’t that a Broadway play now? Shoot, if I want to see flying monkeys I will just double up on my meds.

Swim with the sharks. That one will be easy. I’ll just go to the hotel pool at a banker’s convention here in Miami.

Visit a foreign country. I live in Miami. I can check that one off.

Learn a foreign language. Listen, I am from New York City and live in Miami. I want to learn English.

Play a musical instrument. I wonder if a kazoo counts.

Go skydiving. I don’t own a parachute but I guess you don’t need a parachute to go skydiving unless you want to go skydiving again. I’d better put this one towards the bottom of the list.

Write a novel. I can barely write my pail list. I will call this My Pail List Novel.

This bucket list business isn’t as bad as I thought it’d be. I am half way through it and haven’t even gotten off the park bench yet.

Learn to juggle. Just getting up off this beach is an acrobatic act. I’d have an easier time on a high wire.

That should do it, I’ve written my pail list. Now, I’m exhausted and it’s time for a nap. Think I’ll get started on this tomorrow.