An attempt at understanding one of our closest friends who also happens to drink out of the toilet.

The Nose
Science has shown that dog noses are approximately 12.8 billion times more sensitive than a human nose, which is why they can distinguish, at a distance, between the subtle scent differences of spoiled ham, used q-tips and deer poop. Science has not been able to determine the purpose of this, as they will invariably eat all of these items anyway. Dog noses have been famously used to sniff out drugs, even when buried in other substances such as coffee grounds, which has unfortunately led to an epidemic of now highly caffeinated dogs with half-closed eyes who like to say “dude” a lot. Nevertheless, dogs continue to use their nose as their main instrument of sense and crotch annoyance, so if you see a dog sniffing your pants, make sure you immediately hide your drugs in your coffee.

The Ears
A dog’s ears are the gateway to his soul – no, wait, that’s a man’s stomach is the gateway to the midwest.. no, that’s the arch… anyway, dogs have ears. These ears are highly sensitive, and can hear such subtle variations as the difference between a 14.5 oz. bag of Giant Puff Cheetos and a 16.5 oz. bag of White Cheddar Cheetos being opened in the kitchen. Once again, Science has not been able to determine why this is important, as they invariably beg to eat both of these items anyway.

The Paws
A dog’s paws are wonderfully designed to maximize the overall tensile space and surface-to-weight ratios necessary to leave the largest muddy footprint on your kitchen floor. These paws, in the case of our dog, are also used to smell like Fritos, and thus become about the only food-scented item that he will not eat, although he will still try. Some dog’s paws are slightly webbed for help in swimming, which they don’t know about, so please don’t tell them, if you know which ones they are. (The dog’s, not the paws.)

The Tail
A dog’s tail is one of its most recognizable features, used to distract you from the nose which is already trying to bury itself in your crotch. The tail is also used for balance as the dog is begging for Cheetos (see above). Some larger dogs use the tail for knocking over delicate, expensive items that your Aunt Charlotte gave you for Christmas and you thoughtlessly left on the coffee table because you didn’t have time to put it in the curio cabinet, which you were reluctant to do because you didn’t really think a Hummel figurine of a cat giving a bath to a cricket was appropriate for your house guests to see in your curio cabinet, which you don’t like having anyway because it’s just full of stuff you don’t like that people give you, and it kind of got left there and Boozer got excited by hearing a bag of Cheetos being opened (see above) and knocked it off the table with his tail (also see above) and now you have to see if you can fix it but you think you’re out of Super Glue so you’ll have to go to the store today (although you hadn’t planned on it) because Aunt Charlotte is coming tomorrow and she’ll be looking to see if the Cat Bath Cricket is displayed prominently and this is the kind of power that a dog’s tail has.

The Tongue
You may have heard that a dog’s tongue is cleaner than a human’s tongue. This is not true (see: A Dog’s Nose, subsection: “Spoiled Ham/Q-Tips/Deer Poop”). A human’s tongue is not very clean, either, so we don’t see a great reason to use it as a measuring scale for overall cleanliness. Nevertheless, a dog’s tongue is very useful (for the dog), in that it uniquely allows for the maximum surface area and overall taste bud displacement needed to taste Cheetos. It is also useful (again, for the dog) for licking various unmentionable areas of the dog body, which, being unmentionable, usually means they are gross, which they are. Because of millennia of instinctual behaviors passed down from his ancestors, the dog will then, fascinatingly, try to lick your face as soon as possible.

In conclusion, as we can see, the dog is a fascinating creature who, by the time you’re done reading this, is probably drinking out of your toilet.