To: Our favorite patron of the arts
From: Office@BEARBAITERPLAYERS.ORG
SUBJECT: A very special personal offer on our very special offerings as a very special thank you for backing the performing arts. (Very special performing arts.)

Dear Supporter; As a Patron, Gold Circle Member, Subscriber, Angel, or Guy-Who Once Bought-a-Half-Price-Ticket-Right-Before-the-Show, you have shown your dedicated support of “The Theatah.” Now it’s our turn to thank you by giving you a sneak preview of our upcoming season’s dazzling lineup of shows…
First, a word from Sarah Devine, President of the Bear Baiters Players Board of Directors,

My Dear, Dearest Friend,

We, at the Bear Baiters Players, are especially excited about our upcoming season; as you probably know from our previous letters, postcards, emails, intrusive posts on your Facebook Timeline, and those oh-so-welcome Sunday Morning phone calls, three of the area’s strongest of the smaller performing arts troupes, the Elizabethans, the Caruso Claquesters and the Brave New Absurdists “melded” into one vibrant company, The Bear Baiters Players. As our Mission Statement Mission-States, “Our goal is to bring theater goers to hitherto unimagined heights of ecstasy while plumbing the very depths of their souls. We are seekers on a quest to entertain, enlighten, enthrall, educate, and exfoliate our audiences, from the most exalted and sophisticated of the cognoscenti all the way down to you.
Hugs,
Miss Sarah Divine

We have added some special bonuses with this online-only offer. Besides the attractive season ticket buyer specials (available to attractive season ticket buyers only) there is a compelling array of mix and match cherry picking (although when you “unbundle” the offerings package, it will cost you more—our thanks to the local internet providers for showing us how to do that.)

Excuse our pride when we talk about our new home, the twentieth for some of us in as many years. The Barrelhouse Theatre is located in the newly gentrified area underneath the expressway. The boards you will sit on have not only been sanded, they’ve also been stained (this time on purpose).

We are pleased to announce the Bear Baiters bar, The Den, will be open before, during, and after the performance. And “instead of,” if of one of our stars can’t get Work Release privileges.

A. The Bear Baiters Elizabethans

I. Macbeth by William Shakespeare (Or by the Earl of Oxford)

Our cast includes an import from exotic climes, Tybalt Jenkins from the Manitoba Moosehead Players, who plays Macbeth’s severed head, (The Review in “The Daily Hoser” said, “He was born to be a head actor”), ably held aloft by Macduff, played by Mac N. Cheese.)

II. Hamlet by William Shakespeare (Or by the Duke of Earl)

To add relevancy to what brilliant director Narcissus Von Poseur called, “An otherwise hopelessly outdated chestnut,” the play is set in the 25th Century in the star system of Elsinore Major.

B. The Bear Baiters Caruso Claquesters

I. Das Assbendermittenschnorin by Gerhardt Gottinhimmel

In the Grand German Opera tradition, five acts, six hours, and four intermissions (with an additional break of welcome relief for matinees) in deference to our male patrons over age sixty, who truly are “playgoers.”

II. Verdi
We still haven’t agreed on which of his operas to put on because of differences between the Artistic Director, the Managing Director, and the Director Director. But buy your tickets now; we’re doing Verdi! That’s all you really need to know.

III. WORLD PREMIERE Whither the American Dream by Sam Jones, Libretto by Bob Smith.

We know, we know; nobody gets even vaguely excited about sitting through an opera in English, much worse, an American Opera. But in a stroke of marketing genius, Smith’s libretto has been translated from English into Italian, and thus will be performed the way true opera was meant to be sung—in Italian, with English Supertitles.

C. The Bear Baiters Brave New Absurdists

As of this emailing, we haven’t yet nailed down our season. Specific dates depend on when the star gem in our diadem, Desdemona Ingenue, can get a babysitter. But rest assured, there will be puppets and interpretive dance.

Thank you so, so much. It was grand of you to lend us your time to peruse this. We will not pester you any more. Watch for our emails in the coming days reiterating that promise. They will also be a prelude to the kick-off of our delightful fund raising campaign.