Stories

Are you a soap opera fan? I am not, however I always thought soaps were a female thing. Then I found out about a large male following. Who’da thunk? How can anybody be enthused over programs entitled: As The Stomach Turns*, The Young And The Sinful*, or The Days Of Our (Cheating) Wives*. * These […]

I flunked it in high school . . . Home Economics 101, that is. I haven’t done a decent job of keeping house since I purchased mine in May 1990. My house has so many cobwebs that my cobwebs have cobwebs. In fact, I think the cobwebs are the only things holding the house together. […]

Mick Jagger, the eternal boy, needs to get a facelift before he shakes his hips on stage again. A facelift might not do him any good, because he’s been a bit ugly forever, even in his youth; but it’d sure make the rest of us feel a whole lot younger. My generation grew up with […]

RING, RING: JOEL: Hello, this is Joel. The check is in the mail. KIM: Hi, Joel, this is Kim. I wanted to talk to you about our Author Showcase. JOEL: Who’s Arthur Showcase? KIM: AUTHOR! AUTHOR! JOEL: Thank you. Thank you. You must have bought my book recently. I haven’t checked the sales figures lately […]

I buy most of my paperback novels at flea markets, yard sales and charity book sales, because they’ve just become too expensive to purchase new. The other day I picked one up to read, The Lions of Lucerne by Brad Thor, a thriller I got at a yard sale. As I was flipping through it […]

I can’t live with that woman anymore. She’s so damned negative. No matter what great thing comes my way, she hounds me with “remember Murphy’s Law” and “nothing good ever lasts” and “don’t count your chickens, even after they hatch, because they still might not make it.” For her there is no valid reason to […]

Yesterday I bought my first pair of fishnet tights. No, not for me Stupid, for my wife. Entering the hosiery store brought looks of bewilderment from the staff. It was as if an alien, with funny ears and bulging eyes, had dropped in from the planet Bifukumonin, wearing nothing but a thong. Seeing the angst […]

I’m here today at Ralph Wilson Stadium in Orchard Park, N.Y.; home of the Buffalo Bills. The jerk’s owner Linda has called me to the game because she can no longer control her jerk. The jerk and his pack are all dancing shirtless in snowy twenty-degree weather. This Buffalo Bills game is being televised so […]

I renewed my Georgia driver’s license yesterday. Starting the day with a shower, a shave, and a pot of coffee, I thought, “I hope the DMV gets my photo right today. I don’t want a mug shot.” I’m not very photogenic, so I prayed to God for a decent photo to be taken. After all, […]

The local 2006 elections were over and it was the only time in about 20 years that I hadn’t voted for the woman who married me. I’ll call her Pattie. In 1984 Pattie was young and gorgeous like my then-fiancée. She had the same height, the same style, the same hips. My fiancée wore a […]