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I can’t live with that woman anymore. She’s so damned negative. No matter what great thing comes my way, she hounds me with “remember Murphy’s Law” and “nothing good ever lasts” and “don’t count your chickens, even after they hatch, because they still might not make it.” For … [Read more...]
Yesterday I bought my first pair of fishnet tights. No, not for me Stupid, for my wife. Entering the hosiery store brought looks of bewilderment from the staff. It was as if an alien, with funny ears and bulging eyes, had dropped in from the planet Bifukumonin, wearing nothing … [Read more...]
I'm here today at Ralph Wilson Stadium in Orchard Park, N.Y.; home of the Buffalo Bills. The jerk's owner Linda has called me to the game because she can no longer control her jerk. The jerk and his pack are all dancing shirtless in snowy twenty-degree weather. This Buffalo Bills … [Read more...]
I renewed my Georgia driver’s license yesterday. Starting the day with a shower, a shave, and a pot of coffee, I thought, “I hope the DMV gets my photo right today. I don’t want a mug shot.” I’m not very photogenic, so I prayed to God for a decent photo to be taken. After all, … [Read more...]
The local 2006 elections were over and it was the only time in about 20 years that I hadn’t voted for the woman who married me. I’ll call her Pattie. In 1984 Pattie was young and gorgeous like my then-fiancée. She had the same height, the same style, the same hips. My fiancée … [Read more...]