In a moment of momma weakness, I agreed to take The Daughters to the local water park. It’s not that I don’t enjoy the water park, it’s that I don’t always enjoy the other people who GO to the waterpark. There are kids there and they are peeing in the pools and splashing and I find myself channeling a 76-year-old man, shaking my fist at them, screaming, “Stop that splashing, you dirty, rotten kids!”
However, it was a glorious day and I decided that I would just plant my skirted butt beside the pool, soak up my overdose of Vitamin D and let the kids do their own thing. I had just slathered my shoulders with SPF 50, (I’ve come a long way since the baby oil days of the 1980s, huh??) when Daughter 2 swam over to me and exclaimed, “UH! It’s not fair that you won’t let me wear my pajamas out in public!”
Kids these days – what the heck was she even talking about??
Then I saw her. First I saw the yellow-cartoon-character boxers (on top of the black thong – why bother??) covering up what I could only assume was a crabby bottom, as this young lady did a headstand in an effort to impress her tatted up (and seemingly blind) boyfriend. Then she bobbed to the top revealing that she was wearing a ragged black bra under her cut-off white wife beater! I know it was cut-off because it revealed her tramp stamp that said – in old English font – “Pretty is as Pretty does!” No lie.
Good heavens! Those aren’t pajamas! Those are morning-after clothes!! Those are clothes that you put on to carry out the cans of Keystone Light before your momma shows up! Those are the clothes that you put on when you realize you haven’t done laundry in well over four weeks! Those are NOT the clothes you wear on your date to your local, family-oriented water park! Who would let her go out in public wearing that??
At this thought, her friend showed up. Her friend – who was wearing a black bathing suit bottom and a white, cut-apart t-shirt that had been tied into a halter – showed up! Oh. It was SHE who let her go out in public wearing that get-up.
I sat myself up straighter and adjusted my one-piece, skirted grandma suit, feeling awfully proud of my modest choice. I stretched my legs out in front of me and let them dangle in the water. As I kicked my legs up, I discovered that my last pedicure had been, well, probably about the same time that I last slathered my shoulders with baby oil! Oh well, I told myself, who was I going to impress anyway, right? I mean, I am a well-educated, self-sufficient momma of two. No one’s going to be looking at my toes.
No one, that is, except black bra girl and her friend, whom I appropriately named, “Nothing-to-Hide.” Then, the two-some glanced at my toes, glanced up at me, then they gave me the skank eye.
Really? I mean, REALLY? THEY were giving ME the skank eye? I could be the more mature person and just ignore them, right? I mean, I was wearing SPF 50 AND a skirted uni-suit (with cute, matching hat). I could take the high road.
I could have done that, but I didn’t. I looked right at the bearers of the skank eye (and more!) and said, “Pretty is as pretty does!”
And boxer bottom said – whose hiney was home to the quote, “What does that even mean?”
Wouldn’t she like to know…