Many returned this week to group therapy. Some dropped out. New members joined. It didn’t seem to matter. The issues changed and the newbies’ stories had a novel ring. Though this is serious business, I can’t help but find some dark pleasure in others’ miseries. Of course, I can only assume that the other members found my stories equally entertaining.
Here’s this week’s guide.
Jason talked about his father, the crazed English teacher. Jason once ate alphabet soup with a misspelled word so his father applied the Heimlich Maneuver. Mark discussed his ADHD. He moves around so much, even his burial plot had to be a time share. Jake is so bi-polar, his mood ring serves as a strobe light. Meg choked back tears when she rhetorically asked, “Am I dyslexic? Pfft!… Is a bear Catholic and does the Pope poop in the woods?
Todd got misty eyed when he spoke of his school struggles. He ended his speech when he referred to his notes and said, “Poor reading has caused my low self-estem.”
Warren has commitment issues. The cad has been married six times and he’s broken three engagements. If he’s even seen with a girl, a jewelry store opens.
Some had identity issues. Susan sports a wig, fake eyelashes, a padded bra and has a knee replacement. She has the only photo I.D. with the caption, “Some Assembly Required.” Marge is grappling with her sexual identity. She recently “came out of the closet.” Her mom said, “For your mother, couldn’t you be a little claustrophobic?”
By far the biggest share of challenges deal with eating disorders. Tim admitted to being a cannibal. He’s on a diet so he’s limited to anorexics. We watched a film of an overeater, or maybe it was a bulimic on rewind. I can never be sure.
I talked about my weight issues. I’ve always been huge. I was such a big baby, my ultrasound had to be shown on Imax. My hands are so big, my palm reader brings a bookmark. I used to ride on a ranch, but I had so much baggage and so much weight, my stallion had horseshoes by Dr. Scholl’s. I would lie down and my niece wouldn’t climb on my stomach without her inhaler. You get the idea.
And while we’re on the subject, is it a design flaw to place a Jenny Craig on the top floor of a mall?
Others discussed the roots of their sadness. Will was forlorn when his GPS blurted, “If you’re leaving the Depression Clinic, turn left into the lake.” Sarah has been down so long she has stopped cleaning her house. Unfortunately, she now has kitchen mice on NutriSystem. Tom was upset when he realized that he overpaid for his allergy pills. Of course, the price sure looked good with watery eyes. Jim was annoyed that he keeps getting up each hour at night for “Nature’s Call.” With his prostate, it’s more like, “Nature’s Call-Waiting.”
Jane went in a new direction, entirely. She was open about her dark past. She’s been in so many scandals, the skeletons in her closet have osteoporosis.
Some revealed their medication problems. Mel got a prescription for Viagra and the only thing that went up was his co-pay. Stuart took Ambien for Restless Leg Syndrome and now he sleepwalks. He’s better off than Marvin, who also has Restless Leg and is a masochist. He didn’t take his meds and now he could just kick himself!
I’m beginning to like Tuesdays.