If my interstellar sightseeing has taught me anything it’s this: do yourself a favour and never visit the wacko planet called Earth. You can tell that Earthlings are deranged idiots by the way they label their products. For example, tubes of hair gel proudly state that they haven’t been tested on animals. So the Earthlings think it’s okay to pleasure their tongues by killing a cow, but have a moral problem when it comes to giving one a funky hairstyle.
Not all Earthlings eat other animals, but don’t think that this means they’re smart. I saw a bag of grated cheese that “helpfully” said “suitable for vegetarians.” The clarification must be for those dumb vegetarians that can’t quite remember whether they’ve ever seen a block of cheese running around a field.
Want more proof that they’re dumb? Well, some of their food says to “store in a dry place.” I mean, what sort of crazy species has to be told not to keep rice in their bathrooms? Were there once millions of them haplessly keeping bagels in the middle of their damp lawns? Was there a magical day when the “store in a dry place” advice went on the label and the penny dropped? “Ah, so it was the rain that was ruining my crusty loaf. Duh, it seems so obvious now.”
In fact, they’re not just dumb; they’re dangerously dumb. I bought a can of deodorant, and the label warned not to expose it to temperatures above 50 degrees C. Surely common sense tells them that if they’re ever trapped in a blazing oven that their last concern is stinky armpits. The label went on to say, “Do not spray on a naked flame or incandescent material.” My translator robot says this is an Earthling euphemism for, “Listen dummy, if you ever catch fire then the number-one priority isn’t curbing your sweat.”
Make sense of this: a plastic sandwich bag warns you to keep it away from babies. Gillette shaving foam warns you to keep it away from babies. So why is there no child safety warning on Gillette Sensor razors? Given this oddity, those other warnings can’t, logically, be safety warnings. So perhaps Earthling babies aren’t interested in shaving, but one glimpse of a sandwich bag and they’re crawling into the kitchen to make a sneaky packed lunch? (The concern must be that their babies soil themselves enough as it is.) Or maybe Earthlings don’t mind their babies shaving, provided that it’s a really painful shave. Punishment for all the soiling?
Their painkillers warn you to keep all medicines out of “reach AND sight” of children. Reach, yes – that makes sense. But why sight too? What’s so mind warping about an Earthling child seeing the words “cure headaches fast”? Next day in the playground will they be saying, “Hey, Susie, over here. Keep this one under your hat, but have I got news for you. And I mean BIG news. So massive you’ve gotta keep it secret. I only found out last night – man, you won’t believe it – but guess what? It only turns out that it’s possible to CURE . . . HEADACHES . . . FAST! Yeah, I know, can you believe it? Dad sure kept that little gem quiet. At last, we can play the ‘whack each other over the head with a mallet game’ again.”
But the thing that really has me pulling my interstellar hair out is their sunscreen. It says, “For external use only.” But what sort of idiot gets his chest ripped open and worries about preventing sunburned lungs? It also says to apply generously and ensure that you cover up with clothing. Fair enough – you cream up, put on your Earthling jeans and T-shirt, but then, down at the bottom, it adds, “Do not get on fabric.” Oh, and you can’t then wash it off, because they’ve made it water resistant. It’s definitely sun protection – heck, if you follow the instructions you can’t sit outside! Of course, with all this running back and forth in the sun, you’ll soon be dripping with sweat. A miserable thought. But at least I’m not a dumb Earthling. If I were, I’d be spending 2 hours hunting for a thermometer to ensure it’s safe to spray my stupid Earthling deodorant.