The same scientist who developed the concept of “net carbs”, on which the popular but defunct Atkins diet was based, now has a new discovery, which no doubt will form the basis of the next fad diet. His revolutionary finding is the phenomenon of “gross burn”, or, to use the technical term, “gross lipid obsessive burn” –- or GLOB.
Dr. Swami Krishna-krishna-arama-dama just completed a pivotal study on GLOBS at the Center for Transfatty Acids in Houston, Texas, tubbo capital of the world. Dr. KK found that in the same way that some carbohydrates are not really carbs at all, there is proof positive that you don’t have to get off your, uh, couch to burn calories. You can lose weight by just thinking about physical activity –- without having to actually do it… a belief many have lived by all along, but it’s never been scientifically proven until now.
This is great validation for those of us who have always felt we should get weight loss credit for shopping at Whole Foods or living near a biking trail. According to the research, joining a gym, for example, shaves about 5 pounds off your weight, or the equivalent of one medium love handle.
That leaves the other love handle. Not to worry. Studying the equipment in the gym and knowing what it will do for you is worth some GLOBS, too. Visiting the “gut blaster ab sling” machine, for example, and reading the instructions on how to use it translates to 5 GLOBS off your abs, or the equivalent of ten snickers bars eaten over a two-day period.
Buying dumbbells and placing them near the TV will counteract hours spent on the couch watching football. Keeping your gym clothes close at hand in the trunk of your car as you go through the fast food “drive thru” counteracts most of the calories consumed when eating the food in your car.
Interspersing exercise videotapes among your movie collection trims about 3 inches off your waist and hips. If you shuffle them around and put them at the top of the stack every so often, you’ll achieve even greater results.
Nike has already capitalized on this theory by coming up with a “GPD”, or “GLOBS per dollar” ratio for their running shoes. They’ve affixed a small GLOB chart to the bottom of each pair of athletic shoes, much like the mini-nutritional charts on food products, that indicates precisely how many GLOBS are in each pair. The formula is too complicated to explain here, but essentially, the more expensive the running shoe, the more GLOBS you get, whether or not you ever actually wear them.
And that’s not all – more good news from Dr. KK – the same theory applies to the food you wished you ate. Dr. KK has coined the term “virtual nutritional value”, meaning the health benefits realized from purchasing food that tastes like used socks. Buying grains from the bins at Whole Foods, for instance, lowers cholesterol. The darker the grain, the better. The stuff that looks like little mouse droppings, for instance, is the best for you. Particularly if mixed with all natural, tasteless real food impostors, like carob. Carob, it turns out, is really short for “carbo robber”. Each carob bar you buy will absorb 17.9 grams of carbohydrates -– as long as you put it on the shelf next to the Oreos.
Keep those low-fat, low-carb, low sugar energy bars in your purse or glove compartment for those days when you’re on the go and just too busy to cook yourself that fennel, oat and tofu casserole for a snack. You’ll have a quick, nutritious alternative available to the Mrs. Fields cookies you crave – and even if Mrs. Fields wins, the bar doubles as a patch for your tire, in case you get a flat.
Those of you who have made it through to the end of this article will be pleased to know that just reading about this new discovery has burned off about 2 GLOBS –- enough to let stop at Ben and Jerry’s on the way home for a double scoop of Chunky Monkey ice cream, with a grand total of two net carbs, if you’re still counting.