Mother’s Day is upon us, and I think we all know what that means: our families are frantically trying to figure out what to do for us. Ultimately, flowers and food will be involved. They may serve us breakfast in bed, or take us out to a lovely brunch at Sophia’s.
We will be gracious as we accept these tokens from our husbands and children, but in our hearts we know what we really want: a day of escape, not only from our daily chores, but from worries, regimens, and time. Even though we love our families, we’d like to live another life, just for one day.
A few years ago, my friend Robin and I dreamt of such an escape. It is a fantasy theme park, devoted exclusively to women. We called it Raging Hormones. Ladies, let me give you a tour…
Raging Hormones does not have the usual amusement park rides. We know that your life is a roller coaster; do you really need to ride one? We didn’t think so. Our attractions are uniquely suited to the female perspective.
For example, there is the China Room (no, not like the White House). This is a room with a table covered in rows of china plates and crystal stemware. Across from the table is a brick wall. Tired of telling your kids to pick up their dirty clothes? Swear if you have to put the toilet seat down one more time you’ll burst? Put on your safety glasses, Mom, and let the tableware fly! Nothing says anger management like the sound of exploding porcelain.
We also have a Virtual Reality room with many choices, from Build a Better Boyfriend, to Your Kids Actually Hear You! If you can dream up the scenario, we can make it real. Well, virtually real, anyway. We can make your husband say those things you long to hear, like, “Have you lost weight?” or the ever-popular “You’re right. I’m wrong.”
And speaking of weight, all of the mirrors at Raging Hormones are designed to make you look ten pounds lighter and five years younger. Or, if you’d prefer, we can program our mirrors to make you look like anyone else. Want to spend a day as Halle Berry? We have the technology!
One of our more popular rides is The Line. It doesn’t go anywhere; you just stand with your girlfriends and talk about things. There are cushioned benches nearby if you get tired of standing. And The Line is flanked by magazine racks with the latest issues of everything from Good Housekeeping to Style, so your conversations will never run dry.
The Line is the only ride that has a line at Raging Hormones. Even the restrooms are designed to accommodate the maximum number of women in the park on any given day. There are restrooms on every corner, and all of the stalls are handicapped-sized.
Of course, no women’s park would be complete without pampering stations. We have several spas, offering a variety of services. You can have a massage, a manicure, a pedicure, waxing, wrapping, moisturizing, whatever you want. We’ll even peel you like a grape if that makes you feel more relaxed.
For the sporty gals, there are tennis courts, a swimming pool, golfing and bicycles available at no charge. For the non-sporty gals, there are chauffeured golf carts with big baskets for your purchases. At our gift shops, all of the clothing is sized four sizes larger than you normally wear, so you can finally fit into those size 6 jeans.
Since these attractions will probably tire you, at each exit there is a gazebo filled with chaise lounges, and cabana boys serving chocolate. Or you can refresh yourselves in the W(h)ine and Geez Café, kvetching with friends over chardonnay and camembert.
Although the park contains much more (ask me about our soundproof Primal Scream rooms!), this ends our tour. I’m sure you’d agree that this is a lovely place to spend a Mother’s Day, if only it existed in reality, instead of in the minds of two stressed moms. If you know of any large parcels of land in Placentia that are available, and some millionaires looking for investment opportunities, give me a call.