“Many of the games we teach our children are actually the things that rob them of their innocence. In order to stop this madness, we mustn’t allow our children to ever play or have fun. Unless of course, it is in the best interest of Mongolia” –
Genghis Khan’s Gravestone
Monopoly – Teaches kids that greed is good. “Oh, you just landed on my hotel-donned Boardwalk! I wish I could help you out, but you’ll just have to join the other 99% and collect 200 dollars when you pass Go.”
Twister – Teaches kids that interlocking with members of the opposite sex is a wholesome practice. Those who realize the inappropriateness of the whole situation will end up only playing with those of their same sex and in turn become homosexual (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
Chinese Checkers – Reinforces the falsity that all Asians are Chinese.
Battleship – Teaches kids that war can be fun. “You sunk my battleship! And senselessly slaughtered three hundred hard working men and women in the process!”
Candyland – And we wonder why there is a drug problem in America. Candyland is essentially the craziest acid trip a person can have. It is the board game that surpassed marijuana as the ultimate gateway drug.
Don’t Wake Daddy – We see what happens when an infuriated daddy wakes up, but what we don’t see is the aftermath and I can assure you, child abuse is not funny.
Guess Who – Teaches kids to blatantly judge people. “Does your person look like they have poor fashion sense? Does your person look like they earn minimum wage? Does your person look like a possible rapist?”
Risk – Teaches kids that with a little elbow grease, world domination is possible. “After a few more games I’ll be able to apply my craft to the real world and become the next Mussolini!”
Snakes and Ladders – Gives kids the idea that sliding down a serpent’s back is a healthy practice.
Yahtzee – One night you’re playing a wholesome game of Yahtzee. The next night they’re in an alleyway rolling dice for crack money.
Jenga – Teaches kids to be destructive. Next time a building falls down we may assume it’s a terrorist attack, but it’s probably a twelve year old on a power trip.
Mouse Trap – Teaches kids that animal cruelty can be fun if you let some kind of outlandish Rube Goldberg invention do the abusing.
Hungry Hungry Hippos – Teaches gluttony. And we wonder why one-third of our country is obese. And we also wonder why one-fifth of our country scatters marshmallows around a table and gobbles them up by only extending their necks.