My wife and I were shopping at a local grocery store recently, when our teenage daughter called us on her cell phone, asking us to purchase a feminine product for her. My wife knew the type and brand she preferred, but this particular style apparently was out of stock. Having relayed that message to me, I decided to offer my assistance, being the concerned and involved parent that I prefer to believe I am.
And of course, I was eager to come to the rushing aid of my only daughter, during her time of need. After all, how difficult could this be? This was a major grocery store chain, and these feminine things took up approximately half of an isle — on both sides.
“They must be here, somewhere,” I told myself. And I have been down this road before, or, in this instance, this aisle, having shopped for feminine products for both of them, over the years.
Knowing, from prior experience, that a woman has several different products to choose from, I decided to talk to my daughter directly. So I asked my wife to pass me her cell phone, because I have developed, over time, into a confident, if not cocky, well-educated shopper for such items, during my illustrious career as a father and a husband.
When I broke the news to my daughter that her desired product was, indeed, currently unavailable, I offered her a few options. I mentioned to her that they have other brands on display, in the most common varieties that I usually purchase — Regular, Mini and Maxi.
“But if these will not suffice,” I suggested, “the store does have the following styles in stock and readily available for purchase — Super Maxi, Maximum Coverage and Super UltraThin.” A man’s man type of product, I’ve always thought — super, maximum and super ultra, which translates easily into tough, strong and durable. The company should include a picture of that Mr. Clean muscle guy on their package as their logo, for proper representation of this seemingly stellar product.
“But wait,” I continued, now suddenly becoming a bit uncomfortable and a mere mortal in my area of expertise. “They have even more types and styles! They have Longs. And they have Longs with Wings, which I wouldn’t recommend wearing with a sun dress, because if you should happen to get caught in a windstorm, these wings could lift you off the ground, causing injury.”
And since I knew she enjoyed sleepovers, I asked her if these Overnight ones would be appropriate. And many brands even manufacture Overnighters with Wings, which would be ill-advisable to wear during a camping expedition, or any other outdoor activity, for reasons previously stated.
And there is also the type with 4 channel protection, not advisable for watching cable TV, which has far too many channels for these to be effective.
The one type I didn’t dare offer to mention to my daughter, was the one commonly known as UltraThin + Wipe. Upon noticing this particular product line, I quickly handed the phone back to my wife, wondering why I offered my assistance in the first place. Whatever happened to my confidence, experience and expertise in this subject?
Apparently, these attributes had grown Wings and had mysteriously flown away.