As a public service to those perplexed by Valentine’s Day, I will attempt to address Frequently Asked Questions concerning deficiencies of the middle-aged man and romance.
Q: What’s the deal with men and lousy last-minute gifts of romance?
A: For the middle-aged man under duress, lousy last-minute gifts of romance are not necessarily an issue of cash flow. It’s all about convenience. Due to our inborn resistance to loitering in any enclosed public place where earrings, aromatherapy potions or cute ceramic figurines are sold, we prefer to think of love in terms of the Express Lane.
This basically means that middle-aged men in desperate search of gifts of romance are likely to snatch up any 5 items or less displayed at eye level and packaged with a heart-shaped doily. Because men purchase most lousy last-minute gifts of romance while grocery shopping, consider yourself lucky if you don’t receive an attractively gift-wrapped 8-ounce resealable package of Oscar Mayer Cotto Salami.
Q: Why are men so intellectually challenged when it comes to chocolate?
A: A blind taste test conducted by the Wonka Research Institute indicated that 80% of all men could not identify the difference between an imported dark chocolate Swiss truffle and a malted milk ball. In terms of cocoa awareness, our uncultivated palates have been weaned on Count Chocula and Nestle’s Quik. Keep this in mind when your Valentine’s Day fantasy of being lavished with expensive bon bons from Russell Crowe turns into a discounted tin of Mint Patties from Russell Stover.
Q: What do I have to do to get a man to take me to a Renée Zellweger movie?
A: The following is a handy guide regarding selected Renée Zellweger films and acceptable compensation to a man who is coerced into leaving the house to view them with you.
“Bridget Jones Diary”
Unlimited La-Z-Boy privileges for six months.
Cold cash. Home Depot gift cards also accepted.
Due to sports theme, the only Renée Zellweger movie he is likely to watch willingly. Still, show him the money.
Although a musical, you may be able to dupe a man into viewing without compensation because of Catherine Zeta-Jones factor.
“Down With Love”
Reciprocal agreement that you will watch double feature of “Robocop” and “Barbarella.”
“Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason”
Refer to “Bridget Jones Diary.” Replace “”six months”” with “”lifetime”” La-Z-Boy privileges.
Q: Is it too much to ask to pop for a romantic evening of fondue?
A: Men historically prefer to avoid a romantic evening of fondue because when it comes to matters of love, it’s never a good idea to be exposed to the potentially volatile expectations of a woman while in the immediate vicinity of a pot of hot, bubbling oil.
Q: Why are middle-aged men so unapologetically unromantic?
A: This deficiency of male sentiment can be traced back to damage done during our formative dating years, specifically in 1970 – before the discovery of Renée Zellweger – when women coerced us into leaving the house to wait in a 4-hour line to see “Love Story.” As much as we protested, we’ve carried the heartfelt message of the movie ever since. Sure, we could apologize for having the lifelong romantic sensibilities of a newt, but love means never having to say you’re sorry.
Q: Did those roses come from the produce department of the grocery store?
A: Because men are primarily hunters and gatherers, to appease women on the eve of a hi-romance holiday we often can be seen foraging through buckets of flowers attractively priced at 3 bunches for $12. When the occasion calls for something other than carnations dyed the color of Froot Loops, the more adventurous middle-aged man can be spotted huddled in the far corners of his grocer’s walk-in floral fridge risking frostbite while comparison shopping the pricier arrangement.
If the long-stemmed apricot roses he fondly presents carry the faint scent of an 8-ounce resealable package of Oscar Mayer Cotto Salami, there’s no need to ask their point of purchase. Just bask in the glow of knowing that he loves you a whole bunch more than $12.