Blanche and John Bickerson’s divorce was finalized yesterday at the Summerfield County courthouse. The Honorable Homer Huggins presided over the proceedings. Blanche Bickerson accused her husband of unfaithfulness, drunkenness, snoring and lack of support. John responded with accusations of reckless spending, lack of affection and attempted poisoning because of her lack of cooking skills.
Judge Huggins proclaimed the couple officially divorced at 2:53 PM O’clock in the afternoon. Sheriff John Kelly said that he had to assign two extra deputies to the ceremonies as the Bickerson’s acerbic reputation had preceded them.
The former bride wore a simple blue A-line house dress and dirty pink bedroom slippers. Her hair was coifed with thirty six red 1” curlers. Mr. Bickerson appeared in a rumpled brown polyester suit, green sox and sneakers.
The Bickerson’s last ride together was in a black limousine provided by Vale’s Funeral Home to the Eagle’s Club Hall for a reception. Music was by Benny Braskowitz’s Polka Band. Chef Chang Loo catered a grand buffet and baked a six tier cake for the occasion. The Eagle’s Club Hall was decorated in black and blue bunting with red streamers.
While Benny Braskowitz played the Beer Barrel Polka, the ex groom proposed a bourbon toast. Six bottles of bourbon were downed in two minuets. When the band switched to the Pennsylvania Polka, a food fight broke out, a smoked salmon was impaled on the eagle mascot’s beak and spaghetti dangled from the chandelier. The divorce cake was pitched out the window and broke the windshield of an ambulance carrying Grandma Crabb to Summerfield Hospital for emergency heart surgery.
The highlight of the evening was a free for all fist fight. Sheriff Kelly had to dispatch a platoon of riot police to control the situation. All this took place while the band played the 1812 Overture featuring Jim Ryatt and his 12 gauge shotgun.
Summerfield is going to seem quite boring after the Bickering Bickersons leave town, Blanche going east and John west.