For years, Conservatives have complained that the U.S. Government Budget is so vast that no-one person knows what it contains. Last week officials of Washington’s Office of Management of Budget (OMB) confirmed that suspicion when they announced that a homeless man had been found living inside the U.S. Government Budget.
Red-faced OMB officials said they discovered the man, former Trenton New Jersey Bartender Harvey Holihob, living inside a makeshift HUD subsidy buried deep within a hidden region of a New Jersey earmark. Mr. Holihob, who had mysteriously disappeared from his Trenton home in 2002, emerged from the forgotten HUD subsidy looking somewhat spent, but was reported to be in good health and lively spirits.
Mr. Holihob told a “The Capitol’s Money-Capital” Magazine” reporter:
“I don’t know how it happened. I signed up for a Government funded, whiskey-bar, cash-register, management course. Soon, the U.S. Post Office was sending me a mountain of paper work. Before you know it, I was completely swallowed up inside a Congressional earmark. Within a month, I could not find a bathroom that did not have a Homeland security guard standing in front of each toilet stall “.
Off the record Mr. Holihob added:
“At first, hanging out inside the U.S. Government budget was not so bad. I built a shelter out of HUD grants and IRS mortgage deductions. And I figured out how to splice farm subsidies, food stamps, and surplus school lunches into an edible USDA meal.”
Back on the record Mr. Holihob added:
“After a while, I began to enjoy living inside my New Jersey earmark. But then, the day after the second Bush election, I tripped and fell into a deficit hole, lost my wallet, and bruised my right leg. That was when I realized I was trapped within the inner recess of the U.S. Government Budget. When I called 911, the Defense Department sent me a 600 dollar toilet seat.”
As news of Mr. Holihob’s rescue spread, homeowners inundated Congress with requests to search the U.S. Budget for lost pets and relatives.
White House officials quickly admitted that it was possible that live animals and other Americans could be living inside the more remote regions of the U.S. Government Budget.
In response, Congress proposed hiring a team of private sector accountants to explore the extreme outer and inner regions of the U.S. Government Budget. A group of Congressmen from Texas introduced a Bill which mandated that the exploratory-accounting team fill-in the blank spaces of the budget map with spreadsheets of waste-and-fraud data. A second Congressional team from Mississippi added a rider to the Bill which mandated that the exploratory account team search for “America’s long lost gold standard, Confederate silver dollars, and pagan mounds of half-buried Indian-head pennies”.
Congressmen Thaddeius Maxigrandon the III of Northern
Mississippi told “The Capitol’s-Money-Capital” Magazine:
“I am half hoping and half dreading that the accounting team will find Amelia Earhart and her propeller plane, living on top of some long lost aircraft carrier.“
Gulfport Mississippi Bartender Thad Maxigrandon the IV told his Facebook readers:
“I am three-quarter sure my Dad’s exploratory-accounting team will run into billions of passenger pigeons breeding in some misplaced national park.”
An FBI spokesman told Washington’s “Misspent Magazine” that the accounting search had also been ordered to seek out America’s most wanted millionaires; each who was rumored to be hiding inside the one or more of the three thousand IRS tax loopholes.
A Congressman, who refused to disclose his identity, told Capitol Money-Kapital Magazine that two years ago, as he was searching for possible ways to cut government spending, two of his staff members got themselves lost, for over a week, inside the U.S. Government Budget. He said, fortunately, a senior college sent out a search party of older economists who found the missing staff members huddled inside a Department of Interior grazing subsidy. He said, after the close call, he ordered all staff members to scour the U.S. Budget in pairs, and leave behind a note explaining which Department’s accounts were being investigated each day.
As news of the bartender’s rescue spread, President Obama appeared on the radio and said that there was no truth to the Tea party rumors that he been born on the inside of a Lyndon Johnson Medicare subsidy .
However the President did say he would immediately reverse the New Jersey earmark and order all OMB to use bar-room cash registers when reviewing U.S. budget review each year.