I’ve been meaning to do more travel writing, and not just because I heard you can cadge free trips for doing so. Many great writers of the world (Hemingway, Shakespeare, Napoleon) got free trips to far off places and wrote about them for fun and profit. Why not me?
Just to show that I am worthy of several international junkets (don’t forget my family and other baggage), let me tell you about Disneyland, truly a magic kingdom where dollar bills are made to magically disappear at a magically fast pace.
I took the family there once and we experienced a wonderful world of joy until our money ran out about an hour later. After that, we enjoyed many of the free activities that are available on site, such as picking up coins and trash, letting the kids shine shoes until the cops come along, and, of course, the many free parades where grandmothers nod off on benches and leave their handbags slightly open.
Meanwhile, my wife and I were debating whose kidney to sell so we could enjoy a hot dog.
We also suffered brain damage by going on the ‘It’s a Small World’ boat ride, the only ride we could afford, where an endless array of loud speakers played the incredibly sweet, repetitive song ‘It’s a Small Annoying World After All’ over and over and over!
The ride starts off pleasantly enough. You meander along in your small boat through scenic world vistas while listening to the treacly, skull-numbing song ‘It’s a Small Price to Pay for Not Having Your Kids Barf After All.’
Then the song starts getting to you, and you realize there is no escape. After the 17th repetition of ‘It’s OK to Spend Money After All’, you begin to notice subtleties in the music you didn’t hear before. Like the sound of gunshots from the staff room as long-term staff (one hour) begin blasting their toes off with handguns rather than submit their ears to another minute of this brain-mushing torture.
You notice after the 29th repeat of ‘It’s a Small Price to Pay for a Hotdog You Are Getting Very Sleepy After All’, that you are still only one third of the way along the winding, butt-numbing route.
The people in the boat ahead of you, who boarded their tub with traces of joy on their faces, are now starting to dribble blood from their ears as they search for ways to use the emergency fire axe on their shipmates in order to escape the din.
Meanwhile, the musical number ‘It’s Good To Vote For Obama’s Health Care Plan After All’ continues, getting louder and louder, and you find there is no throttle on the boat to make it go faster. There are no ejection seats or life rafts or signal flares either. You are stuck in it and forced to look at stupid little robots shouting their stupid song ‘It’s a Long Way to The Exit So Hand Us Your Wallet You Fat Slob After All’ and why is my face twitching again!?
We learned our lesson that first day, and for the remainder of the trip we just stayed in our hotel room and watched the Disney Channel on TV. We had Disneyland representatives come directly to our room every few hours to remove piles of cash and harvest organs from us by humming the song ‘It’s Like Water Boarding After All’.
This worked out great since it kept us from getting sore feet and we didn’t have to line up for rides and the kids didn’t urp up corn dogs and we had ready access to beverages for washing down our anti-psychotic medications and is it pill time again already? Oh boy!
So! Airlines and exotic hotels! What do you say? Comps available?